GOD

When you ask God into your life, you think He or She is going to come into your psychic house, look around, and see that you just need a new floor or better furniture and that everything needs just a little cleaning - and so you go along for the first 6 months thinking how nice life is now that God is there. Then you look out the window one day and see that theres a wrecking ball outside.It turns out God actually thinks your whole foundation is shot and youre going to have to start over from scratch.
~ Marianne Williamson

Coldplay - Life In Technicolor ii (HD)

“You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you’ll discover will be wonderful. What you’ll discover will be yourself.”
~ Alan Alda

OUR BLUE JAYS

A few days ago, we watched a pair of Blue Jays try to build a nest in the rafters of our porch about 5 feet from our front door. This is the fourth or fifth year that we have seen the Jays try and build a nest in the same spot. And they never succeed. The spot they pick is on a round log with the porch roof barely 5 inches above. It appears to us a very unlikely place, as we are in and out of the door often and on beautiful days like today, we keep the door open to enjoy the sunshine with the resultant music and commotion from inside our home very noticeable. The roundness of the log makes the twigs that the Jays use for the base of the nest, easily slip off to the ground. Sometimes the beginning of the nest will begin to take shape, and then the whole thing falls and the Jays have to start all over again. To make this project harder for the birds, they never seem to use the fallen twigs and have to fly out and get brand new twigs to begin the whole process again. We have made fun of their 'bird brains' every year and belittled their awry nesting instincts.

I said, “here we go again,' to David, as I was watching the birds yesterday begin to build the hopeless nest. I wondered if they could possibly be the same birds returning year after year to try and build their nest in the same ridiculous place. Not being interested in studying birds in any depth, we had no idea how long they lived. I decided to read up on the Blue Jays. I went online and found a wonderful bird site by the Canadian Wildlife Service, and read up on Blue Jays and found, among other facts,that the birds live 10-15 years. I also read this very interesting statement: 'Before the final nest is made, the birds build several incomplete nests as part of their courtship ritual.'
So our birds return year after year to go thru the same ritual near our back door. I guess they feel safe enough with us nearby.

I also revisited an important lesson. One I seem to need to relearn again and again. Somehow I forget and I judge situations or people before I know the whole story.

CALLING ALL ANGELS

REGINA

I have a friend that is recovering from the same kind of breast cancer that I have. I met her on a cancer survivor forum. Her name is Regina, and she lives on the other side of the country. She is young, not even 40, has a loving husband, and 3 young children. Her 18 y/o daughter has just been accepted into surgical training school and will start classes next month. When she graduates, she will be able to work in the operating room at a hospital. Regina badgers her 16 y/o son to 'get your homework done, and, no you can't wear that shirt to school, and please turn the music down, Thank you.'
Her 4 y/o has just started T-ball and the whole family goes to watch little sister play T-ball. Mom works in the snack bar while the little kids are learning the rules of the game.

Reginas little girl was only 18 months old when she discovered a lump in her breast. She took a year off from her job as a cartographer in a small company, had 3 major surgeries and 5 months of chemotherapy during this time, all the while taking care of her baby, with some help from her husband and her older daughter. She is blessed with a loving, supportive family and many friends that also responded to her needs with help. But she did most of it, all the work of surviving, herself.

Now she is helping other women with breast cancer learn how to survive. She has designed an apron with large, roomy pockets for the post surgery drain bulbs. Sometimes a post surgery patient has to have these drains in for 5 or 6 weeks or more. I had 3 drains in for 4 weeks and carried them around in a plastic grocery bag, until my surgeon gave me some pretty little gift bags. But I still had to carry the bag everywhere I went. With the apron you can put the drains in a pocket and youre ready to go. It's a brilliant idea and Regina makes the aprons at home and sells them on the internet. At first she made them by hand and gave the aprons away free. She didn't have a sewing machine for several months, but when she did get one she could whip out aprons quickly. And now she charges for the aprons as she has too many orders to still give them away free. But she would if she could.
She feels as though she is doing something beneficial for the women in the breast cancer community, and I am inclined to agree.
I nominate Regina to receive the Angel of the Year Award.

ANGELS UNAWARE

Life has a way of teaching us what we don't always want to hear or see. Life in this world of today is filled with fear, violence and disasters. It seems the ribbon of fear runs through our daily life and is presented to us on a platter in books, movies, articles, TV, newspapers and every day life. Be afraid, fearful, watch out. That guy over there looks different, he may be 'strange' and get 'out of control'. Be afraid, be VERY afraid. Don't trust, don't let your guard down. But when we are so filled full of fears there seems to be no room for Love, and we need to feel love and send Love out to the world.

My Angel story occurred on a very foggy, dark, and windy night. The wind blows the fog around, swirling it in circles,making it difficult to see . The mountain roads are dirty from numerous snow storms, making the middle yellow line almost impossible to see. I thought, 'Oh God just get us home safely.' I was creeping along the road and had a string of cars creeping along behind me. As soon as I could see a turnout, I pulled over to let the cars all pass and to make sure I had my fog lights on. I turned on my overhead light and was checking out my switches, trying to remember where the fog light switch was.

I noticed a van had pulled out of the line of cars going by, and felt a clutch of fear, when I saw the vans backup lights flick on. Do I need to take evasive action? But the line of cars was still passing by, and I couldn't get in the line. Then I noticed the van door open and a figure jump out and start walking towards our car. I said, 'Oh oh, someones walking towards us.' As the figure approached my window I could see it was a woman about my age with glasses and silver hair just like mine. I would never be able to approach a car with so many unknowns existing, no matter the situation. I had to admire her spunk.
I rolled the window down a bit and she asked if I was alright. I thanked her and said yes, I was just trying to make sure my fog lights were on. She said yes, they were on. She said did I want to follow her? It's easier being the second in line.
I said yes I would love to. She headed back to her van. The line of cars had diminished and we pulled out onto the road and started for home.
I was so struck by her courage and compassion I couldn't get her out of my mind. I knew she was my Angel in disguise.

"Forget not to show Love unto strangers; for thereby some have entertained Angels unawares."
~ Hebrews 13:2

"Always take hold of things by the smooth handle." ~ Thomas Jefferson

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "Lifes splendor forever lies in wait about each one of us in all its fullness, but veiled from view, deep down, invisible, far off. It is there, though, not hostile, not reluctant, not deaf. If you summon it by the right word, by its right name, it will come." ~ Franz Kafka

THE PIANO

I remember, as a small child always being afraid, anxious and terribly shy. I worried constantly about making my mother angry, and then she would yell at me, which was almost worse than the frequent spankings I got for disobeying her rules.
My one act of outright defiance was to run away to the neighbors house 4 doors down the street any time the pull was over powering. I would open the door and walk into the neighbors house and sit down at their piano and begin bouncing my little fingers around the keyboard. Oh, those sounds were so beautiful, so precious to me, and well worth the almost certain spanking I would get when my mother found me. I had strict orders to NOT go running off down the street. But the lure of the magic sounds I could make on that piano was overwhelming.

But far worse was the piano lure at my gramma's house. That piano was across the busy street, and I was totally forbidden to go there, unless an adult could go with me. But the adults could never find time to go with me. So run away I did and for a few glorious moments I could live in another world. But first I would knock on this neghbors door, and the good lady of the house would invite me in, and let me bang on her piano. And then she would call my gramma, letting her know where I had run off to. Gramma would come to get me, and if I was really lucky, she would sit and visit with the kind neighbor for a few golden minutes. And, best of all, gramma would never tell my mother, and I Bless her for that. At least I felt someone was on my side. Someone understood me, and that made the times I stayed with my gramma extra special, and I held those memories close to my heart, so I could take them out and relive them after I went home with my mother. Then I would not feel so lonely and afraid. I knew I would be able to visit my beloved gramma soon. And then I could run away to play my precious piano again.

MELTDOWN

I had a meltdown last nite.
David and I were trying to fix an audio tape, and I was having trouble concentrating on the task at hand. I felt the familiar buildup of tension inside me, inside my mind. Since the cancer surgeries I have very little emotional stamina and I easily get out of control emotionally.. Other times, I am fine and can roll with whatever is going on. But add a little bit of pressure and I have a short fuse. Very short. This time I quickly 'lost it', and had to leave the room. I started crying and couldn't stop. I felt overwhelmed by my emotions, and I cried and cried for a long time. I kept hearing in my mind, “I have cancer, I have cancer, I will always have cancer. Even if I never have a reoccurance, I will still always have cancer,” my mind screamed. I will always, for the rest of my life, have cancer. And I will have to worry and always check my body and mind to see what is going on. Always on hyper alert to little changes, real or imagined.And I was ovrwhelmed by that knowledge.
I had noticed since we began attending survivors group every week, and hearing other women talk about their anger at the cancer diagnosis, that I had no obvious anger. I would search my mind and dust out the darkened corners to try and find secrets there. But I never found anything. I knew sooner or later the anger would pop up and become known.
But this episode did not feel like anger, altho I'm sure anger was there. It was a total, overwhelming depression and it took me over and made me its own. And I am going with it, but only for a short while, a day or so. I know it would be easy for me to get lost in those feelings of poor me, of victim, etc. Many years of free floating depression have alerted me to the subtleties and nuances of this condition, and it can be very seductive.I will not give in to it. It is only temporary, a learning experience, and with Davids support and Gods help and sustenance, I will return to my optimistic, even tempered self.

SWEET LEMONADE

"LIFES TRAGEDY IS THAT WE GET OLD TOO SOON AND WISE TOO LATE."
~ Ben Franklin










'THE HARDEST YEARS IN LIFE ARE BETWEEN 10 AND 70.'
~ Helen Hayes




LEMONADE ANYONE?

Or how I am surviving chemotherapy.

Having made it thru 9 months of chemotherapy, I think I have the right to make a few comments on- survival.

First, I think I wasn't focused on surviving. Surviving sounds like such a battle, and I don't want to get into a battle. As the famous rock star said, I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover. I love life, and so I was focused on living, doing the day to day tasks that life requires. Focus on life, not the problems. Or to put it another way, focus on Love of life, not the problems of life.

Second, laugh at yourself a lot. I encouraged and nurtured a sense of humor in myself and whatever predicament I found myself in at the moment. So don't take life so seriously. Look for and find something funny in each situation. Its not impossible.

Third, I surrounded my self with friends that had similar interests and goals (like living happily). I found a support group for cancer survivors and David and I both attended. If you feel you don't have supportive friends then put yourself out there and find them. They are out there waiting for you.

Fourth, I have learned to love and respect my body. Whatever has been done to it to save my life is ok. It may not be what some people think of as beautiful, but it is to me and I love it. Society has a very warped idea these days of beauty. Don't let anyone decide what is pleasing or beautiful in your life.

Fifth, don't let anyone make your decisions for you. Don't let anyone bully you into doing something you don't want to do. But do research and read
and learn so you can back up your decisions with true knowledge not just emotion. I'm still learning this. Still doing my research.

Lastly, stay close to God. And get closer every day with prayer, meditation and thoughts of Him. Turn to Him often and listen closely and quietly for His answers. He has a very quiet voice. He won't intrude. He won't show up where He isn't wanted. But God is my strength and support, and He is helping me every day get through this life trial.

You can make sweet lemonade out of sour lemons!

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

SEARCHING

Thought for the week


Me: God can you hear me? Are you listening to my prayers?
God: My child, are you listening for my voice? Can you hear my still, small voice answering your prayers?



SEARCHING

It seems we are always searching. Searching personally and as a people. Searching for a new place to live, a new car, a new friend, a new and unusual restaurant, or relationship. Something new that will surely bring with it happiness, some semblance of sanity in a crazy world. We are never satisfied with what we have and we are continually looking, looking.

This need to search is not bad or wrong in itself. Search for the new gives us inventions and can give us radical breakthroughs in science or medicine, in music, art, in living and thinking. It can keep us personally current with the latest changes in our fast changing world. But it can also give us a great deal of discontent, if we carry the search to extremes and let it control our inner playing field. My belief is this: a new car, a new relationship, or a new place to live does you no good and is not in you best interests if you take the old you into the new relationship or new city. It will feel good for awhile and bring you momentary happiness. But when the newness wears off, and you still have the old you, you are faced with the horrible reality of the sameness of your problems.

When we look outside ourselves for the answer to almost any problem we are going to be disappointed. When we honestly begin with changing ourselves, we will eventually have good success. The work is hard and can be messy, and painful. And it surely may take awhile, but it is the only way to bring happiness and/or peace of mind into your life.

Look at yourself, at your beliefs and behavior honestly and closely. Are you true to your deepest self? Do you know your deepest self? Maybe you need an introduction: outward self, meet your truest self, may you live happily ever after.

Decide to do the inner work necessary or if too difficult to go it alone, get help. A good friend or partner that is loving and can be honest and gentle may help. Or a real pro therapist.
Decide to do anything you have to do to grow and learn to value your own self, you own integrity.
Stop searching out there, and begin doing your searches deep inside yourself.

I am.