Dear Annie,
In my need to be healthy and to beat cancer to a pulp, I am delving in to the darkest part of my nether regions. And I have come up with some different perceptions than I had before. I need to tell someone to make the new perceptions more real, and I have chosen you to be my 'someone.' So grab a cup of coffee, and leave the unpacking till later.
My mother and I never got along and always had a lot of negative emotion between us. As an adult, I felt my mom had 'done me wrong,' during my childhood. As a child I did everything I could to 'make' her love me. I became the almost perfect, unseen and unheard child, molding myself into what I thought she wanted me to be. Nothing changed.
My dad died in a car crash before I was born, and I was not allowed to talk about him.
When I was 16 I heard the true story about my fathers death from a friend that had been there the day he died. Because I had never heard the story from anyone, I believed, with a childs innocence, that the reason he died was so I could be born. When I heard the true events of that day I was very angry, and stayed very angry at mom most of my adult life. I also stayed safe from most real love, and a lot of emotions and feelings. I saw the world through a red tinged anger. Which meant I also hurt most of the time. I learned how to use victimhood, and repeated the sad story a million times.
I spent a big part of my life chasing ephemeral happiness, here today, gone tomorrow, always blaming my disappointments on my mothers lack of love. Except for my beloved children, happiness escaped me.
When I was older and mom made advances to heal the chasm between us, I rebuffed her and felt vindicated, avenged. She called and said she wanted to talk to me, and I made excuses for not going to see her.
And before I knew it she died, and my chance to heal the relationship was gone.
At least on that level. But I am here again, and I will do what I can to heal, in more ways than one.
Mom, I am sorry I reveled in being a victim, at the expense of our relationship, and did nothing to heal it.
I am sorry Mom, please accept my sincerest apologies for acting like a brat.
I loved you then, I love you now, and I love you forever.
Thanks Annie for being my sounding board,
Love
Rae
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