BRICK WALLS

I have hit a brick wall. All thru the last year and a ½, I have kept my equanimity, my composure, my stability. Through surgeries, doctors appointments, through radiation, doctors telling me I have lung metastasis, and doctors telling me I also have a second type of cancer. Nothing to do with the original cancer. Through tests, tests and more tests. Through chemo for the past 6 weeks. I have, well not really sailed through all these challenges, but kinda slowly coasted down hill on my E- ticket ride through life.



I have even looked for and found, and am still finding my Blessings on this cancer fantasy ride.
But now I have hit my Brick Wall with a solid kerplunk!! thwhhaaacccck!!

But now, due to the chemo I have lost all my hair. Or about 99.9 % of it. And the other .01 % doesn't really count. It looks like a spider web on my head. Not very appealing, so I keep a cap on most of the time.
I never dreamed I was so vain about how I look, especially my hair, but I was devastated.
And the resultant depression and embarrassment told me it was all ego. What a shock!!
I didn't really know what to do about my suffering vanity, except live with it.

Acceptance is also a good place to start, but that comes in small short clumps, and then its back to disappointment and vanity.
Now you know me. I am pretty much a realist, facing lifes challenges with a strength and a certain aplomb.
But no hair had me stumped. Caps, hats, scarves, wigs really did no good to my wounded ego. In fact, all the head paraphernalia called attention to my loss, to my – difference.
I have cancer. I am 'ill.' Generally people have a distrust, sometimes an embarrassment or discomfort of 'different.'
So don't have a disability, or a weakness, or illness or some other kind of 'difference.' You will only be an embarrassment.

Now , I am at my Brick Wall, and what am I going to do? In leiu of the non-existent phone booth, I'll have to find a powder room and change into my SuperWoman persona and bust thru that Brick Wall - Boom, Bamm, Kerpowww!!!

Because on the other side of my Brick Wall is my Hero – God. God with His soothing, comforting, Loving Embrace. He Loves 'different.'
I close my eyes and take a deep Breathe of God!

Ok I am fine now.