THE PIANO

I remember, as a small child always being afraid, anxious and terribly shy. I worried constantly about making my mother angry, and then she would yell at me, which was almost worse than the frequent spankings I got for disobeying her rules.
My one act of outright defiance was to run away to the neighbors house 4 doors down the street any time the pull was over powering. I would open the door and walk into the neighbors house and sit down at their piano and begin bouncing my little fingers around the keyboard. Oh, those sounds were so beautiful, so precious to me, and well worth the almost certain spanking I would get when my mother found me. I had strict orders to NOT go running off down the street. But the lure of the magic sounds I could make on that piano was overwhelming.

But far worse was the piano lure at my gramma's house. That piano was across the busy street, and I was totally forbidden to go there, unless an adult could go with me. But the adults could never find time to go with me. So run away I did and for a few glorious moments I could live in another world. But first I would knock on this neghbors door, and the good lady of the house would invite me in, and let me bang on her piano. And then she would call my gramma, letting her know where I had run off to. Gramma would come to get me, and if I was really lucky, she would sit and visit with the kind neighbor for a few golden minutes. And, best of all, gramma would never tell my mother, and I Bless her for that. At least I felt someone was on my side. Someone understood me, and that made the times I stayed with my gramma extra special, and I held those memories close to my heart, so I could take them out and relive them after I went home with my mother. Then I would not feel so lonely and afraid. I knew I would be able to visit my beloved gramma soon. And then I could run away to play my precious piano again.

MELTDOWN

I had a meltdown last nite.
David and I were trying to fix an audio tape, and I was having trouble concentrating on the task at hand. I felt the familiar buildup of tension inside me, inside my mind. Since the cancer surgeries I have very little emotional stamina and I easily get out of control emotionally.. Other times, I am fine and can roll with whatever is going on. But add a little bit of pressure and I have a short fuse. Very short. This time I quickly 'lost it', and had to leave the room. I started crying and couldn't stop. I felt overwhelmed by my emotions, and I cried and cried for a long time. I kept hearing in my mind, “I have cancer, I have cancer, I will always have cancer. Even if I never have a reoccurance, I will still always have cancer,” my mind screamed. I will always, for the rest of my life, have cancer. And I will have to worry and always check my body and mind to see what is going on. Always on hyper alert to little changes, real or imagined.And I was ovrwhelmed by that knowledge.
I had noticed since we began attending survivors group every week, and hearing other women talk about their anger at the cancer diagnosis, that I had no obvious anger. I would search my mind and dust out the darkened corners to try and find secrets there. But I never found anything. I knew sooner or later the anger would pop up and become known.
But this episode did not feel like anger, altho I'm sure anger was there. It was a total, overwhelming depression and it took me over and made me its own. And I am going with it, but only for a short while, a day or so. I know it would be easy for me to get lost in those feelings of poor me, of victim, etc. Many years of free floating depression have alerted me to the subtleties and nuances of this condition, and it can be very seductive.I will not give in to it. It is only temporary, a learning experience, and with Davids support and Gods help and sustenance, I will return to my optimistic, even tempered self.

SWEET LEMONADE

"LIFES TRAGEDY IS THAT WE GET OLD TOO SOON AND WISE TOO LATE."
~ Ben Franklin










'THE HARDEST YEARS IN LIFE ARE BETWEEN 10 AND 70.'
~ Helen Hayes




LEMONADE ANYONE?

Or how I am surviving chemotherapy.

Having made it thru 9 months of chemotherapy, I think I have the right to make a few comments on- survival.

First, I think I wasn't focused on surviving. Surviving sounds like such a battle, and I don't want to get into a battle. As the famous rock star said, I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover. I love life, and so I was focused on living, doing the day to day tasks that life requires. Focus on life, not the problems. Or to put it another way, focus on Love of life, not the problems of life.

Second, laugh at yourself a lot. I encouraged and nurtured a sense of humor in myself and whatever predicament I found myself in at the moment. So don't take life so seriously. Look for and find something funny in each situation. Its not impossible.

Third, I surrounded my self with friends that had similar interests and goals (like living happily). I found a support group for cancer survivors and David and I both attended. If you feel you don't have supportive friends then put yourself out there and find them. They are out there waiting for you.

Fourth, I have learned to love and respect my body. Whatever has been done to it to save my life is ok. It may not be what some people think of as beautiful, but it is to me and I love it. Society has a very warped idea these days of beauty. Don't let anyone decide what is pleasing or beautiful in your life.

Fifth, don't let anyone make your decisions for you. Don't let anyone bully you into doing something you don't want to do. But do research and read
and learn so you can back up your decisions with true knowledge not just emotion. I'm still learning this. Still doing my research.

Lastly, stay close to God. And get closer every day with prayer, meditation and thoughts of Him. Turn to Him often and listen closely and quietly for His answers. He has a very quiet voice. He won't intrude. He won't show up where He isn't wanted. But God is my strength and support, and He is helping me every day get through this life trial.

You can make sweet lemonade out of sour lemons!

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

SEARCHING

Thought for the week


Me: God can you hear me? Are you listening to my prayers?
God: My child, are you listening for my voice? Can you hear my still, small voice answering your prayers?



SEARCHING

It seems we are always searching. Searching personally and as a people. Searching for a new place to live, a new car, a new friend, a new and unusual restaurant, or relationship. Something new that will surely bring with it happiness, some semblance of sanity in a crazy world. We are never satisfied with what we have and we are continually looking, looking.

This need to search is not bad or wrong in itself. Search for the new gives us inventions and can give us radical breakthroughs in science or medicine, in music, art, in living and thinking. It can keep us personally current with the latest changes in our fast changing world. But it can also give us a great deal of discontent, if we carry the search to extremes and let it control our inner playing field. My belief is this: a new car, a new relationship, or a new place to live does you no good and is not in you best interests if you take the old you into the new relationship or new city. It will feel good for awhile and bring you momentary happiness. But when the newness wears off, and you still have the old you, you are faced with the horrible reality of the sameness of your problems.

When we look outside ourselves for the answer to almost any problem we are going to be disappointed. When we honestly begin with changing ourselves, we will eventually have good success. The work is hard and can be messy, and painful. And it surely may take awhile, but it is the only way to bring happiness and/or peace of mind into your life.

Look at yourself, at your beliefs and behavior honestly and closely. Are you true to your deepest self? Do you know your deepest self? Maybe you need an introduction: outward self, meet your truest self, may you live happily ever after.

Decide to do the inner work necessary or if too difficult to go it alone, get help. A good friend or partner that is loving and can be honest and gentle may help. Or a real pro therapist.
Decide to do anything you have to do to grow and learn to value your own self, you own integrity.
Stop searching out there, and begin doing your searches deep inside yourself.

I am.