THE PUZZLE

Cancer-phobe. A noun, meaning an excessive fear of contacting a malignancy.
My cancer phobia was not a fear for my health, but rather a fear of talking to a person with cancer. Not an irrational fear that I would get their cancer, but a very real fear of saying the wrong thing, or saying the right thing badly, and inflicting uneeded emotional pain. So I said and did nothing.
Many years ago, one of my best friends developed cancer and I said and did nothing.She recovered beautifully and is still cancer free.
But my feelings of overwhelming guilt for my sins of omission remain. My friend has been very supportive and always seems to know the right things to say to me.

After I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and after the first few months of adjusting to this new life, I started noticing peoples reaction –to me. And I noticed averted glances, or a big smile thrown my way, and then a scurrying off to take care of some forgotten chore. Just as I used to do.

But I have changed and my life, my reactions have changed. I have undergone an epiphany of sorts. I feel as tho, besides removing my breast, my doctors removed 'me.'
They cut 'me' up into little pieces and like a jigsaw puzzle, they put 'me' back together differently. But they had to, for the pieces wouldn't fit together in the old way. The Drs. had to help me find the new 'me.' So the drs and nurses began to reassemble the puzzle that was'me.' And my family and friends had to help me find and define the new 'me.'
We are all still working on the 'me' puzzle, but I am getting closer to being 'finished' and 'put together' right. Now I search out cancer survivors, In stores, on survivor forums, anyplace, anywhere, and approach them with love and welcoming to the sisterhood.

So my recommendation to everyone is this: If you see anyone, anywhere that is 'different' than you, different in ANY way, and you really want to turn the other way, DONT!!
Don't turn and try and forget them. Don't run away. Go to them with love and acceptance and more love. Because love fills in all the gaps and nooks and crannies of missed places and the missing pieces in all of us.

Thank you to my friends and family.
And Thank you David

HAPPINESS

I never knew my family.
Perhaps I should explain. I knew my family, I lived with them, and I loved them. But I never understood them.I never felt close or comfortable with them. Always on my best behavior, always trying to do what was 'right' Always changing and 'trying to fit in,' being what I thought they wanted me to be. Anything to get them to love me. Accept me. And I soon lost sight of who I really was and became a chameleon, changing with the tides of my childish perception.

My gramma loved me and let me know it. Let me know I was fine just the way I was, whatever that was. I don't remember her ever critizing me. She just loved me. My mom said Gramma spoiled me rotten.

My mother was beautiful, distant, unavailable emotionally, and the most unknown of all. My mom and dad were married secretly, and when my dad was killed racing cars professionally, she tried to kill herself. My dads family didn't believe her when she told them she and their dead son had been married secretly. Then she found out she was pregnant, a pregnancy she did not want, a baby she did not want.
I grew up very confused about who I was, where I fit into these 2 familys. I tried so hard to fit in someplace, anyplace, to feel comfortable and loved and less scared.
It has taken 20 yrs of diving deep into the dark spaces inside me, and begin to feel comfortable in my own skin.

As I am writing this note I am overwhelmed by sadness. The sadness, and terrible fear of this lonely, little girl still living inside me, unseen and unloved for so long.Unaccepted for what she was/is.

I talk to this lonely little girl, and tell her over and over how much I love her, and I will always keep her safe, and protected.And I accept her just the way she is.

I hear a small breatheless sigh (of relief?), and begin to calm down and feel .... ...what? Comfortable, safe, and loved and.... .... happy?



Have you talked to your little child lately?

FEELING ANXIOUS

I've noticed lately that I am more often anxious, short tempered, easily agitated, dejected and have trouble staying positive and upbeat. I am quick to put myself down, rag on my actions. I am not enough, or I am wrong or even, just plain stupid. Stupid is my favorite word for myself lately. Especially when I let myself get into this negative frame of mind.

I promised myself I would not let my thinking go down this path anymore. Putting myself down while recovering from cancer is not the best way to heal
So what do I do? How can I get back to my healing state of mind? I will share a few of my simple solutions with you. If you are having any of these symptoms, whether illness induced or just life induced, this exercise will help get you back to a gentler frame of mind.

First for a short while, go with it and look in all the dark, dusty corners of your mind for hidden secrets long buried, forgotten or denied. Where do these putdowns originate? Is it words your family or friends used to say to you? Or some trusted authority figure's conveyed judgements? Look deeply and search for negative agendas. Whatever you find take the time to decide if you want to keep that idea of who you are or trash it.

Second, focus on your breathing. We have a habit of taking short, shallow breathes. Oxygen is so important to cell health and mind clarity and overall optimism.

Breathe slowly and deeply. Watch your breathe go in and out. Feel your breath going into your lungs and then traveling all thru your body. Visualize colored breath or count the breaths. Anything to put your focus on breath for a minute or 2. Whatever you can do to refocus your mind to more positive thoughts.

This exercise helps me, and a few minutes spent this way will help you, too.

But I also have to remember that life WILL intrude on my ideas about how I should be during healing. I have to honor life and at the same time honor my body's health.

Love & Kindness

Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They Bless the one who receives them, and they Bless you, the giver.
....Barbara De Angelis.