THE PUZZLE

Cancer-phobe. A noun, meaning an excessive fear of contacting a malignancy.
My cancer phobia was not a fear for my health, but rather a fear of talking to a person with cancer. Not an irrational fear that I would get their cancer, but a very real fear of saying the wrong thing, or saying the right thing badly, and inflicting uneeded emotional pain. So I said and did nothing.
Many years ago, one of my best friends developed cancer and I said and did nothing.She recovered beautifully and is still cancer free.
But my feelings of overwhelming guilt for my sins of omission remain. My friend has been very supportive and always seems to know the right things to say to me.

After I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and after the first few months of adjusting to this new life, I started noticing peoples reaction –to me. And I noticed averted glances, or a big smile thrown my way, and then a scurrying off to take care of some forgotten chore. Just as I used to do.

But I have changed and my life, my reactions have changed. I have undergone an epiphany of sorts. I feel as tho, besides removing my breast, my doctors removed 'me.'
They cut 'me' up into little pieces and like a jigsaw puzzle, they put 'me' back together differently. But they had to, for the pieces wouldn't fit together in the old way. The Drs. had to help me find the new 'me.' So the drs and nurses began to reassemble the puzzle that was'me.' And my family and friends had to help me find and define the new 'me.'
We are all still working on the 'me' puzzle, but I am getting closer to being 'finished' and 'put together' right. Now I search out cancer survivors, In stores, on survivor forums, anyplace, anywhere, and approach them with love and welcoming to the sisterhood.

So my recommendation to everyone is this: If you see anyone, anywhere that is 'different' than you, different in ANY way, and you really want to turn the other way, DONT!!
Don't turn and try and forget them. Don't run away. Go to them with love and acceptance and more love. Because love fills in all the gaps and nooks and crannies of missed places and the missing pieces in all of us.

Thank you to my friends and family.
And Thank you David

HAPPINESS

I never knew my family.
Perhaps I should explain. I knew my family, I lived with them, and I loved them. But I never understood them.I never felt close or comfortable with them. Always on my best behavior, always trying to do what was 'right' Always changing and 'trying to fit in,' being what I thought they wanted me to be. Anything to get them to love me. Accept me. And I soon lost sight of who I really was and became a chameleon, changing with the tides of my childish perception.

My gramma loved me and let me know it. Let me know I was fine just the way I was, whatever that was. I don't remember her ever critizing me. She just loved me. My mom said Gramma spoiled me rotten.

My mother was beautiful, distant, unavailable emotionally, and the most unknown of all. My mom and dad were married secretly, and when my dad was killed racing cars professionally, she tried to kill herself. My dads family didn't believe her when she told them she and their dead son had been married secretly. Then she found out she was pregnant, a pregnancy she did not want, a baby she did not want.
I grew up very confused about who I was, where I fit into these 2 familys. I tried so hard to fit in someplace, anyplace, to feel comfortable and loved and less scared.
It has taken 20 yrs of diving deep into the dark spaces inside me, and begin to feel comfortable in my own skin.

As I am writing this note I am overwhelmed by sadness. The sadness, and terrible fear of this lonely, little girl still living inside me, unseen and unloved for so long.Unaccepted for what she was/is.

I talk to this lonely little girl, and tell her over and over how much I love her, and I will always keep her safe, and protected.And I accept her just the way she is.

I hear a small breatheless sigh (of relief?), and begin to calm down and feel .... ...what? Comfortable, safe, and loved and.... .... happy?



Have you talked to your little child lately?

FEELING ANXIOUS

I've noticed lately that I am more often anxious, short tempered, easily agitated, dejected and have trouble staying positive and upbeat. I am quick to put myself down, rag on my actions. I am not enough, or I am wrong or even, just plain stupid. Stupid is my favorite word for myself lately. Especially when I let myself get into this negative frame of mind.

I promised myself I would not let my thinking go down this path anymore. Putting myself down while recovering from cancer is not the best way to heal
So what do I do? How can I get back to my healing state of mind? I will share a few of my simple solutions with you. If you are having any of these symptoms, whether illness induced or just life induced, this exercise will help get you back to a gentler frame of mind.

First for a short while, go with it and look in all the dark, dusty corners of your mind for hidden secrets long buried, forgotten or denied. Where do these putdowns originate? Is it words your family or friends used to say to you? Or some trusted authority figure's conveyed judgements? Look deeply and search for negative agendas. Whatever you find take the time to decide if you want to keep that idea of who you are or trash it.

Second, focus on your breathing. We have a habit of taking short, shallow breathes. Oxygen is so important to cell health and mind clarity and overall optimism.

Breathe slowly and deeply. Watch your breathe go in and out. Feel your breath going into your lungs and then traveling all thru your body. Visualize colored breath or count the breaths. Anything to put your focus on breath for a minute or 2. Whatever you can do to refocus your mind to more positive thoughts.

This exercise helps me, and a few minutes spent this way will help you, too.

But I also have to remember that life WILL intrude on my ideas about how I should be during healing. I have to honor life and at the same time honor my body's health.

Love & Kindness

Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They Bless the one who receives them, and they Bless you, the giver.
....Barbara De Angelis.

THE PIANO

I remember, as a small child always being afraid, anxious and terribly shy. I worried constantly about making my mother angry, and then she would yell at me, which was almost worse than the frequent spankings I got for disobeying her rules.
My one act of outright defiance was to run away to the neighbors house 4 doors down the street any time the pull was over powering. I would open the door and walk into the neighbors house and sit down at their piano and begin bouncing my little fingers around the keyboard. Oh, those sounds were so beautiful, so precious to me, and well worth the almost certain spanking I would get when my mother found me. I had strict orders to NOT go running off down the street. But the lure of the magic sounds I could make on that piano was overwhelming.

But far worse was the piano lure at my gramma's house. That piano was across the busy street, and I was totally forbidden to go there, unless an adult could go with me. But the adults could never find time to go with me. So run away I did and for a few glorious moments I could live in another world. But first I would knock on this neghbors door, and the good lady of the house would invite me in, and let me bang on her piano. And then she would call my gramma, letting her know where I had run off to. Gramma would come to get me, and if I was really lucky, she would sit and visit with the kind neighbor for a few golden minutes. And, best of all, gramma would never tell my mother, and I Bless her for that. At least I felt someone was on my side. Someone understood me, and that made the times I stayed with my gramma extra special, and I held those memories close to my heart, so I could take them out and relive them after I went home with my mother. Then I would not feel so lonely and afraid. I knew I would be able to visit my beloved gramma soon. And then I could run away to play my precious piano again.

THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE

Be willing and open to change and then expand, knowing that every change will be for the best. Always see the bright side of life: expect only the very best to come about and see it do so. Never blame anyone else for the negative state you are in. You are your own master, it is up to you to reverse a picture and see what is on the other side. Learn to lift a person or a situation and never allow yourselves to be dragged down into the depths of despair by anyone else's attitude. You are here to create peace, harmony, beauty and perfection - in fact all the very best in life, so get on and do something about it.
Let Gods peace and love infill and enfold each one of you. Lift up your hearts in deep love, praise and gratitude for all God is revealing to you.

MELTDOWN

I had a meltdown last nite.
David and I were trying to fix an audio tape, and I was having trouble concentrating on the task at hand. I felt the familiar buildup of tension inside me, inside my mind. Since the cancer surgeries I have very little emotional stamina and I easily get out of control emotionally.. Other times, I am fine and can roll with whatever is going on. But add a little bit of pressure and I have a short fuse. Very short. This time I quickly 'lost it', and had to leave the room. I started crying and couldn't stop. I felt overwhelmed by my emotions, and I cried and cried for a long time. I kept hearing in my mind, “I have cancer, I have cancer, I will always have cancer. Even if I never have a reoccurance, I will still always have cancer,” my mind screamed. I will always, for the rest of my life, have cancer. And I will have to worry and always check my body and mind to see what is going on. Always on hyper alert to little changes, real or imagined.And I was overwhelmed by that knowledge.
I had noticed since we began attending survivors group every week, and hearing other women talk about their anger at the cancer diagnosis, that I had no obvious anger. I would search my mind and dust out the darkened corners to try and find secrets there. But I never found anything. I knew sooner or later the anger would pop up and become known.
But this episode did not feel like anger, altho I'm sure anger was there. It was a total, overwhelming depression and it took me over and made me its own. And I am going with it, but only for a short while, a day or so. I know it would be easy for me to get lost in those feelings of poor me, of victim, etc. Many years of free floating depression have alerted me to the subtleties and nuances of this condition, and it can be very seductive.I will not give in to it. It is only temporary, a learning experience, and with Davids support and Gods help and sustenance, I will return to my optimistic, even tempered self.


This is a video of Survivor(Burning Heart) that David played some keyboard on the recording. He's not in the video.
It is good music, upbeat and good energy. And I am a Survivor.

BEATING CANCER WITH NUTRITION By Patrick Quillen

DAY 1

HOPE, OPTIMISM AND A FIGHTING SPIRIT

By Patrick Quillen


Focus on the parts of your body that are working properly, not on the disease. Since you are alive enough to read this, then something and maybe quite a bit of somethings are working in your body. Give thanks for everything you can think of. Thanksgiving is a healing balm on the body and soul.

What are your priorities in life? Have they changed since finding out about your diagnosis? Have they changed for the better? Is it possible the diagnosis has become a life threatening, yet valuable wakeup call for you?

We are all going to die. The question is not if, but rather, 'when.' For cancer patients, sometimes this when becomes a more immediate issue. But our finite lives should be an issue for all of us, all of the time. Life is precious. Not to be wasted. Many of us cram our days with minutia, trivial details. We spend too much time worrying about insignificant events and lose sight of the real issues in life.
Such as:
be here now
value your mission
cherish your friends
savor sunsets and sunrises
soak up the beauty and music and laughter and play that is all around you, but drowned out by the cacophony of crass commercialism
Be at peace with your Creator, however you concieve that Higher Power. People beat cancer all the time. But fear of death is not a reason to live.

What do you want them to say at your funeral? “ Look I think she's moving!!”.
Not going to happen. Begin today with a renewed sense of purpose proper perspective for the truly memorable things in life. Build a fighting can-do spirit that will serve you well for the coming journey of treatment. Find a co-patient, a loved one, or family member who is so supportive that they will keep you motivated when you have run out of steam.

Be enthusiastic. The word “enthusiasm” comes from the Greek word meaning “God within.” With joy, enthusiasm,appreciation,and altruism, we literally become a conduit for God's Life itself.

Special Gifts

As you each contribute your specific gifts and talents to the whole, so is each piece of the jigsaw puzzle of life put together forming the perfect whole. What are your specific gifts or talents? Why not share them and cease hiding them away, for they are all needed. It does mean that you have to keep your feelers out and see where they fit and what the needs are. Some of you may have many gifts and others of you may feel you have little or nothing to give. This is not so; you all have your unique something to give which no one else can give, and that something is needed. It is up to you to find out what it is and give it.

'The Power Of Losing Control'

The following are excerpts from the popular book, 'The Power Of Losing Control,' By Joe Caruso

Nearly all of us have something thats preventing us from being as successful, happy, and fulfilled as we might be.The possibilities of what that might be are as endless as the differences that make each of us unique.But, in my experience, the ones listed here are those that are the most common and most debilitating, and letting go of them offers us the greatest opportunity for growth.

#1 REGRET

He who regrets loses twice. We can't change what is and we can't change what was, and if we spend our time losing sleep over what we can't change, we'll be too tired to change what we can. Regret, therefore, as always self defeating. If you missed an opportunity-- whether it was to accept an invitation to dinner, to study harder for a test, to get to know someone better, or to sail around the world on a yacht-- the opportunity of that moment went with that moment and no amount of regret is going to get it back. By living with regret, you are reliving the same loss, which makes it an even greater loss than it was in the first place.But if you can take a step back and figure out what it was that kept you from seizing that opportunity when it was presented-- in other words, define what you were afraid of-- you'll be able to let go of that fear so it won't be holding you back the next time an opportunity arises.

Exercise 1

MAKE YOUR OWN TIMELINE

Take a piece of paper and draw a line across it from left to right.To the left of the line write birth. To the right put the word death. Now pick a point anywhere along that line. Make an x above that line and write -you are here.

We are creatures of the moment, and regret causes us to try to live in the past.When we try to live in the future, we'll experience anxiety. Trying to live in either the past or the future puts stress on the psyche because it means we're attempting to live in 2 or more places at once.And that stress manifests itself as either regret or anxiety. So to let go of regret, practice being in the moment. Teach yourself the powerful lesson that to bring all that you are to all that you do, is all you'll ever need.

#2 ANGER

Anger is always based on fear. If we're angry at someone or about something, its because we fear that person or that circumstance is likely to harm us, or has harmed us in some way. What we really fear is that we're losing control. We're casting ourselves in the role as victim, but thats a self-definition, and since we've created it, we also have the power to change it.We can't control other people's actions or attitudes, and we can't control external circumstances or events, but we can control the way we respond to those things. We don't have to be angry, because we do have other choices. The way we respond is always a choice-- in fact it's the only thing thats always a choice. So why would we choose to respond with a self defeating attitude instead of one that would serve us better?

EXERCISE 2

FIND THE FEAR

When you feel angry, try to find out what it is you're afraid of. In the heat of the moment, its always easier to deal with fear than it is to manage anger. The more you think about being angry, the more you'll validate your 'rightness,' and and in doing so you'll try to manage you're anger and thus become 'righteous.' And you'll only become angrier later. I call this banking your anger, which means saving it up to use later in an even bigger way. Sooner or later you'll begin looking forward to making a big righteous withdrawal from the bank, and eventually you'll blow up. It won't be pretty and it won't serve you or anyone else.

Looking for the fear allows you to:

1.take the psychic energy off your anger

2.arrive at a higher level of understanding

3.get to the real source of the problem

4.find your power in it

5.refocus your psychic energy to respond in a way that serves you you rather than with an automatic “fight or flight” surge of involuntary adrenaline.

Consider your fear, consider what you want, consider what what you can do about it, and do it. We can only act beyond our fears,not worry ourselves past them.

#3 BLAME

Blaming others for our situation or our unhappiness is a sure sign that we're feeling out of control, which means we're feeling afraid. If someone is treating us badly- well they get to do that. We can't control the behavior of others. (Heck, there are times we don't even control our own behavior as well as we should) It's rational to blame someone or something in our past or even our present, but more often than not, it's irrational to blame someone for our future. And what has happened to us is always less important than what we can do for ourselves. Blame keeps us from focusing our psychic energy on what we can do for ourselves and thus perpetuates our pain.

EXERCISE 3

IT'S ALL IN HOW YOU KEEP SCORE

Fact: Other people can and will do things that negatively affect us.

Fact: Other people can and will do things that positively affect us.

Fact: People will sometimes do things on purpose that negatively affect us.

Fact: People will sometimes do things on purpose that positively affect us.

Fact: They get to do that

We live in an interactive world, and all living things affect all other living things. They always have and they always will. To accept that fact is, acting naturally.

But if we pay attention, we'll begin to notice that, contrary to what we believe, more often than not we're the victims of unintended Blessings. Start to look for unintended Blessings you receive. That's learning to keep score differently.

Look for ways other people's actions have created opportunities for you. Notice that far more people have done things that have had a positive effect on you than have hurt you or negatively affected you in some way. Consciously spend more of your energy being grateful to those who have helped you and less of it blaming those who have in some way done you harm. It's important to remember that your energy is a blessing. It is the very stuff of life. Why would you want to give it to someone you don't even like?

We don't get to control other people's behavior, but their behavior can't control us either---unless we allow it to do so. And so, in the end, we have no one to blame but ourselves. Which leads to the next thing we need to let go of.....

THE JUMPING OFF PLACE

There's a place here in our mountains called the Red Rock Wall. This wall is bordering a rest stop area, and is also on a hairpin curve, where numerous vehicles and their drivers have mispercieved the curve and broken thru the Red Rock wall and fallen 600 ft straight down.

We lost another beautiful, young life again, a few weeks ago. She went over the side at the 'jumping off place,' sometime during the night and for 2 days no one realized we had lost another life. I noticed the break in the wall with new barriers in place as David and I rode by on our way down the hill. Again I noticed the broken spot on the way home later that night. But we hadn't heard anything about someone going over the edge. No one realized we had lost another life at the Red Rock Wall, again.

It happens about every 5 years or so, throwing the Angels' family and friends into the never never land of grief and mourning over a senseless loss.

This 'jumping off place' has been my waking nightmare most of my adult life. A terrible fear of losing control and going over the edge, flying over the edge of the cliff into eternity. So I am always extra careful driving on these mountain curves.

The 'jumping off place' for me in reality was in January of 2008, when I hit the brick wall of cancer, and was admitted to the hospital with severe anemia and breast cancer. But Love yanked me back from the edge of the 'jumping off place' of this life to the next. Love from family and friends. Love showered on me by David. And Love from God sent with the message, 'not now, my child.'

So with the support of my family and friends from around the world, I left the 'jumping off place,' to return to my everyday life,with love, to the work still to be done. And to be of service wherever and whenever I can.

THE MIRROR

A few weeks ago I read a story about a lady, more than a few years out of cancer diagnosis and mastectomy. She had decided not to have reconstuctive surgery to rebuild her breast line, So she has very visible suture lines and, of course the missing breast. She thought it would be less hassle than any of the reconstuctive procedures available.But she still gets upset when she looks in the mirror and often cries. She feels ugly, and thinks,”Why did this happen to me?”

The lady in the story was barely in her 40's, and tho I am much older, I related, and really understood her pain and dismay.

The story was on my mind a lot in the next several days, as I thought about cancer and survivors.I turned it over and over in my mind, thinking about the burden society puts on us regarding body image.Any body less than 'perfect' is not OK.

But a cancer survivor has ......well, survived. We've been to the mountain top and have looked over the whole world and decided, “Yeah, I'll stay here.I'll do what I hafta do to stay alive.”

So I looked in my mirror and thought about all I had survived, and how cancer had changed my life.How I HAD changed my life, changed my attitude, my perspective, my focus.Something clicked in my mind-- I changed my life. I am alive. And such overwhelming joy invaded me, my body, and my soul. With tears in my eyes, I was brought to my knees in thankfulness. In Joy, I am alive and I want to stay alive.

Now when I look in my mirror, I am reminded of these changes I made in my life.And I feel joy. Joy reminding me to stay on the track to life.I need to keep changing in a forward direction, and not look back.

Just look in my mirror.

LIVE YOUR LIFE

"Live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about his religion. Respect others in their views and demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and of service to your people. Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.

Always give a word or sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, or even a stranger, if in a lonely place. Show respect to all people, but grovel to none. When you rise in the morning, give thanks for the light, for your life, for your strength. Give thanks for your food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason to give thanks, the fault lies in yourself.

Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools and robs the spirit of its vision. When your time comes to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home." by: Tecumseh -(1768-1813) Shawnee Chief

A HUMAN BEING

"A human being is a part of the whole, called by us, "Universe," a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest -- a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. Nobody is able to achieve this completely, but the striving for such achievement is in itself a part of the liberation and a foundation for inner security." : Albert Einstein - (1879-1955) Physicist and Professor, Nobel Prize 1921

LOVE AND PRAYERS

As I sit comfortably at my computer and write this note to you, I am struck by the changes that have occurred in my life in the last six months. The last time I recorded these short love notes to you,my friends, was in January, and I was very ill. So ill, in fact, that I didn't realize how sick I was. I am amazed at the person I was then. Amazed at the strength, determination and love of family and love of God, that woman exhibited. It was this love that kept me going day after day, trying to keep my secret, my facade of wellness and competency. I have apologized to my loved ones for my misdirected love, and caring protection for them.

I can't change what was done, and the facts of what is today. I can only go on from here, from this new place of love, caring and trust for my loved ones.Time will tell the lessons I have learned, and am still learning, as I gain strenght and wellness, in the loving circle of my family and friends. Their prayers and love have sustained and healed me, and I am forever greatful to them for my new lease on life.Thru 3 hospitalizations, 2 surgeries, 6 weeks of radiation treatments, and many, many visits to the doctors, always the loving acceptance and prayers of family and friends, have given me life and courage, and I owe them all a debt of gratitude forever.

I dedicate my new healthy life to continuous learning and healing.

Join me in love and healing

Ollie Rae