I've noticed lately that I am more often anxious, short tempered, easily agitated, dejected and have trouble staying positive and upbeat. I am quick to put myself down, rag on my actions. I am not enough, or I am wrong or even, just plain stupid. Stupid is my favorite word for myself lately. Especially when I let myself get into this negative frame of mind.
I promised myself I would not let my thinking go down this path anymore. Putting myself down while recovering from cancer is not the best way to heal
So what do I do? How can I get back to my healing state of mind? I will share a few of my simple solutions with you. If you are having any of these symptoms, whether illness induced or just life induced, this exercise will help get you back to a gentler frame of mind.
First for a short while, go with it and look in all the dark, dusty corners of your mind for hidden secrets long buried, forgotten or denied. Where do these putdowns originate? Is it words your family or friends used to say to you? Or some trusted authority figure's conveyed judgements? Look deeply and search for negative agendas. Whatever you find take the time to decide if you want to keep that idea of who you are or trash it.
Second, focus on your breathing. We have a habit of taking short, shallow breathes. Oxygen is so important to cell health and mind clarity and overall optimism.
Breathe slowly and deeply. Watch your breathe go in and out. Feel your breath going into your lungs and then traveling all thru your body. Visualize colored breath or count the breaths. Anything to put your focus on breath for a minute or 2. Whatever you can do to refocus your mind to more positive thoughts.
This exercise helps me, and a few minutes spent this way will help you, too.
But I also have to remember that life WILL intrude on my ideas about how I should be during healing. I have to honor life and at the same time honor my body's health.
Sometimes it is very relaxing to listen to beautiful music.My favorite piece of music in the whole world, and always calms me, and takes me to another place, is Clair De Lune by Debussey.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
I AM WHAT I AM By Roz Savage
I AM WHAT I AM By Roz Savage
http://RozSavage.blogspot.com
As I was rowing across the Atlantic I had plenty of time to think about life, its purpose and meaning, and to figure out what could be learned from my ocean experience that would be useful to me in the future. I jotted down these insights in the back of my logbook. On my return home, the Sunday Times (the top-circulating Sunday broadsheet in the UK) asked me to produce a list of life-learned philosophies to share with their readers. The article appeared on 23 April 2006.
People cut out the article and put it on their refrigerator or in their wallet or on their pinboard. They told me how my words had helped them through tough times or gave them the courage to try something new. They wrote to tell me how I had inspired them. Here is what I wrote.
I Am What I Am
o Don't waste mental energy asking yourself if you CAN do something. Just do it. You'll surprise yourself. I did.
o Be clear about your objectives. Ignore others, stay true to yourself and measure success only against your own criteria. I was last to finish the race - big deal. I went out there to learn about myself, and I did.
o The only constant in life is change. So don't get depressed by the bad times, and don't get over-excited by good ones. Accept that things are exactly as they are, and even bad times have something to teach us.
o Life can be magical, but magic only gets you so far. Then you need discipline, determination and dedication to see it through.
o Hope can hurt. The danger is that you hope for too much and set yourself up for disappointment. Be optimistic but realistic. Nothing is ever as good or as bad as you expect it to be.
o Be mindful of the link between present action and desired future outcome. Ask yourself: if I repeat today's actions 365 times, will I be where I want to be in a year?
o Decision-making: act in faith, not fear, and don't worry about making a 'wrong' decision - the way you implement it is more important than the decision itself.
o Be your own best friend. The more you rely on other people, the less control you have over your destiny.
o Be proud of your own obituary: a few years ago I wrote two versions of my obituary, the one I wanted and the one I was heading for. They were very different. I realized I needed to make some big changes if I was going to look back and be proud of my life. I am making those changes, and now I have a life worth living.
http://RozSavage.blogspot.com
As I was rowing across the Atlantic I had plenty of time to think about life, its purpose and meaning, and to figure out what could be learned from my ocean experience that would be useful to me in the future. I jotted down these insights in the back of my logbook. On my return home, the Sunday Times (the top-circulating Sunday broadsheet in the UK) asked me to produce a list of life-learned philosophies to share with their readers. The article appeared on 23 April 2006.
People cut out the article and put it on their refrigerator or in their wallet or on their pinboard. They told me how my words had helped them through tough times or gave them the courage to try something new. They wrote to tell me how I had inspired them. Here is what I wrote.
I Am What I Am
o Don't waste mental energy asking yourself if you CAN do something. Just do it. You'll surprise yourself. I did.
o Be clear about your objectives. Ignore others, stay true to yourself and measure success only against your own criteria. I was last to finish the race - big deal. I went out there to learn about myself, and I did.
o The only constant in life is change. So don't get depressed by the bad times, and don't get over-excited by good ones. Accept that things are exactly as they are, and even bad times have something to teach us.
o Life can be magical, but magic only gets you so far. Then you need discipline, determination and dedication to see it through.
o Hope can hurt. The danger is that you hope for too much and set yourself up for disappointment. Be optimistic but realistic. Nothing is ever as good or as bad as you expect it to be.
o Be mindful of the link between present action and desired future outcome. Ask yourself: if I repeat today's actions 365 times, will I be where I want to be in a year?
o Decision-making: act in faith, not fear, and don't worry about making a 'wrong' decision - the way you implement it is more important than the decision itself.
o Be your own best friend. The more you rely on other people, the less control you have over your destiny.
o Be proud of your own obituary: a few years ago I wrote two versions of my obituary, the one I wanted and the one I was heading for. They were very different. I realized I needed to make some big changes if I was going to look back and be proud of my life. I am making those changes, and now I have a life worth living.
MIRROR IMAGE
At times through the years I have felt it was in my best interest to become more real with myself, and find out why I was so unhappy in life and love.Find out who I really was.And who I really wasn't. I just knew my life was really chaotic and miserable.
I read books, books, and more books. I attended classes in healthy minds. And wondered why nothing changed in my life.
Then someone said to me, “You have to live the changes, not just read about them.”
Live the changes. OK, but what did that mean?
So off I went to the thrapists couch.The therapist said, 'What do you want to work on?'
'Well, my unhappiness.”
'Where do you think that unhappiness comes from?”
'Well, I guess my mother didn't love me.”
“So we'll work on your feelings for and about your mother.
'Oh. Sure. OK.
But I didn't do any of the therapists suggestions.So I didn't begin to live the changes.
A few weeks later, the therapist said, “Now that you haven't done any of the Mother exercises I told you to do, we'll work on your feelings about yourself.”
Oh. OK. Sure.
She said to go home and look in the mirror, 'straight into your own eyes, and say, 'I love you, I love you Rae Burton. And repeat this 10 times.”
Oh. Sure Ok. Sure.
Hmmmm
I went home and looked in the mirror, and into my own eyes. And...........silence. And then I laughed. More like an embarrassed giggle.
I couldn't say to myself, 'I love you.'I couldn't even look in my own eyes in that mirror image for more than a quick instant.
Of course, I never went back to the therapist. And of course, I stayed unhappy and chaotic. And I read more books and went to more classes, and stayed the same.
Until I met David, and decided I had a good reason to begin the changes I needed to make. To begin to be happy and to be able to say, without looking away or laughing, to my mirror image and to myself, I love you. I love you Rae Burton.
Then I could say, with an open heart, I love you, David Arellano.
And I love you Ollie Rae Burton
I read books, books, and more books. I attended classes in healthy minds. And wondered why nothing changed in my life.
Then someone said to me, “You have to live the changes, not just read about them.”
Live the changes. OK, but what did that mean?
So off I went to the thrapists couch.The therapist said, 'What do you want to work on?'
'Well, my unhappiness.”
'Where do you think that unhappiness comes from?”
'Well, I guess my mother didn't love me.”
“So we'll work on your feelings for and about your mother.
'Oh. Sure. OK.
But I didn't do any of the therapists suggestions.So I didn't begin to live the changes.
A few weeks later, the therapist said, “Now that you haven't done any of the Mother exercises I told you to do, we'll work on your feelings about yourself.”
Oh. OK. Sure.
She said to go home and look in the mirror, 'straight into your own eyes, and say, 'I love you, I love you Rae Burton. And repeat this 10 times.”
Oh. Sure Ok. Sure.
Hmmmm
I went home and looked in the mirror, and into my own eyes. And...........silence. And then I laughed. More like an embarrassed giggle.
I couldn't say to myself, 'I love you.'I couldn't even look in my own eyes in that mirror image for more than a quick instant.
Of course, I never went back to the therapist. And of course, I stayed unhappy and chaotic. And I read more books and went to more classes, and stayed the same.
Until I met David, and decided I had a good reason to begin the changes I needed to make. To begin to be happy and to be able to say, without looking away or laughing, to my mirror image and to myself, I love you. I love you Rae Burton.
Then I could say, with an open heart, I love you, David Arellano.
And I love you Ollie Rae Burton
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
NAMES
Did you ever think about what happens when you change your name?
Nothing, you say, except for the DMV and credit card name & address changes. Just a bunch of paper work. It happens to almost every woman, at some time or other. Getting married, or divorced. Or just deciding to change your name. Sounds simple... huhnn. It is simple to do, but repercussions may result.
The first time I changed my name I was too young to notice anything.My mother had remarried and so I began to use my stepfathers name, but at the same time I dropped my hated first name and from then on used my middle name. Legally I was still my birth name. Thru my marriage and divorce and those psych changes....... About 10 years after my divorce, I legally changed back to my birth name. But still used my middle name for everyday use. I noticed changes after this name change, but nothing to talk about. It seemed to be a very comforting change for me, and made me wonder about the psych health of making a woman change her birth name to her husbands name. What hidden repercussions accompany this change?
The most recent change was this past jan when I was admitted to the hosp directly from the drs office.
I ended up being admitted with my birth name. Nurses commented on my name.Everyone had something to say about it.
I got to thinking about it. I believe that my birth name is me. Its who I am and who I have been all my life. An accumulation of all those years and all those happenings. It suddenly dawned on me... wow, I have denied a part of me, and hated that part of me all these years. Quite an eye opener, and something to think about.
I was at a life changing crossroad in my life , so I thot, well, why not? Everything else is changing in my life.
I'll just go with it, and see what happens. So I am drawing all the disparate parts of me in together. And we are all learning how to live together, in love, consideration, and respect for each other. Altho I will say, this new-old part of me is a little mouthy at times. (But I love her anyway)
Oh yes, and my full birth name is...........
This is Ollie Rae Burton saying check out your 'real' name.
Nothing, you say, except for the DMV and credit card name & address changes. Just a bunch of paper work. It happens to almost every woman, at some time or other. Getting married, or divorced. Or just deciding to change your name. Sounds simple... huhnn. It is simple to do, but repercussions may result.
The first time I changed my name I was too young to notice anything.My mother had remarried and so I began to use my stepfathers name, but at the same time I dropped my hated first name and from then on used my middle name. Legally I was still my birth name. Thru my marriage and divorce and those psych changes....... About 10 years after my divorce, I legally changed back to my birth name. But still used my middle name for everyday use. I noticed changes after this name change, but nothing to talk about. It seemed to be a very comforting change for me, and made me wonder about the psych health of making a woman change her birth name to her husbands name. What hidden repercussions accompany this change?
The most recent change was this past jan when I was admitted to the hosp directly from the drs office.
I ended up being admitted with my birth name. Nurses commented on my name.Everyone had something to say about it.
I got to thinking about it. I believe that my birth name is me. Its who I am and who I have been all my life. An accumulation of all those years and all those happenings. It suddenly dawned on me... wow, I have denied a part of me, and hated that part of me all these years. Quite an eye opener, and something to think about.
I was at a life changing crossroad in my life , so I thot, well, why not? Everything else is changing in my life.
I'll just go with it, and see what happens. So I am drawing all the disparate parts of me in together. And we are all learning how to live together, in love, consideration, and respect for each other. Altho I will say, this new-old part of me is a little mouthy at times. (But I love her anyway)
Oh yes, and my full birth name is...........
This is Ollie Rae Burton saying check out your 'real' name.
MEMORIES
In the beginning there was only cancer. Then I started to survive. For 2 months, I wrapped myself, body and soul, in a cocoon of warmth, love, caring, from friends, family, and God.And a whole life of memories.This cocoon was my safe place, where all the world of doctors, nurses, the hospital, and surgeries and subsequent recovery, were not invited. This safe place, this cocoon, was filled full of memories. Memories of good times when my kids were young. Trips to the beach many times during the summer months. I'd pile my kids in the car, and take off for the beach. Sometimes we would stop and pick up the cousins and go to the lagoon, and swim and play on the whale the whole day. I always made enough sandwiches and drinks for the ride home, singing and arguing and then everyone, except the driver, falling asleep.
Memories of evenings in the park after a day of all of us swimming in the park pool. Cooking burgers and dogs on the park BBQ pits. Nothing ever tasted so good again.Memories of sitting in our back yard, on the grass, watching for falling stars.”Oh, look, theres a shooting star, look, there it falls.”
More recent good memories of life with David, moving to the mountains,and times filled with love, contentment and challenges. Living, and loving, with our 12 cats to keep us busy. And then saying good bye to each of them thru the years.
Some memories are not happy, or good.
Some memories are poignant. But I looked at them all, and decided which memories, like old photographs, or old clothes, to keep or which to discard. I threw the uneeded ones in the trash and I let them go.The painful, hurtful memories do not serve me well. I do not need them any more.
My cocoon of quiet time was good and healing for me, and then I was ready to go ahead with traditional cancer treatment. It was a quiet time with just me and God, God, to hold my hand and guide me thru the forest of memories, where nothing could harm me.And when God and I came out on the other side of the forest, I was forever changed.
You need a safe place in your mind, that you can retreat to in times of stress and tribulation.Find a quiet place, go into the bathroom and lock the door. Sit on the closed toilet lid and close your eyes, take a deep breath, and exhale slowly to the count of ten. Do this several times, and then picture a perfect scene in your mind, a place you have been, or a place you want to be. Be there. Sitting on the sand or fishing in a quiet lake,or looking out over a vast beautiful horizen. Alone. You are alone. And quiet. And .....safe. Safe and healthy and perfect. God is there but he is quiet . And waiting. And Loving.
We need this escape, this cocoon, this safe place.This is a place of rejuvenation and healing.You can go there anytime. Take a few minutes, to re-group and rejoice.
And live again.
Memories of evenings in the park after a day of all of us swimming in the park pool. Cooking burgers and dogs on the park BBQ pits. Nothing ever tasted so good again.Memories of sitting in our back yard, on the grass, watching for falling stars.”Oh, look, theres a shooting star, look, there it falls.”
More recent good memories of life with David, moving to the mountains,and times filled with love, contentment and challenges. Living, and loving, with our 12 cats to keep us busy. And then saying good bye to each of them thru the years.
Some memories are not happy, or good.
Some memories are poignant. But I looked at them all, and decided which memories, like old photographs, or old clothes, to keep or which to discard. I threw the uneeded ones in the trash and I let them go.The painful, hurtful memories do not serve me well. I do not need them any more.
My cocoon of quiet time was good and healing for me, and then I was ready to go ahead with traditional cancer treatment. It was a quiet time with just me and God, God, to hold my hand and guide me thru the forest of memories, where nothing could harm me.And when God and I came out on the other side of the forest, I was forever changed.
You need a safe place in your mind, that you can retreat to in times of stress and tribulation.Find a quiet place, go into the bathroom and lock the door. Sit on the closed toilet lid and close your eyes, take a deep breath, and exhale slowly to the count of ten. Do this several times, and then picture a perfect scene in your mind, a place you have been, or a place you want to be. Be there. Sitting on the sand or fishing in a quiet lake,or looking out over a vast beautiful horizen. Alone. You are alone. And quiet. And .....safe. Safe and healthy and perfect. God is there but he is quiet . And waiting. And Loving.
We need this escape, this cocoon, this safe place.This is a place of rejuvenation and healing.You can go there anytime. Take a few minutes, to re-group and rejoice.
And live again.
DIRECTIONS
Have you ever gone down the wrong street or in the wrong direction, and didn't realize it at first. You just kept driving along, thinking of nothing.Dreamin' along. In the Los Angeles teeming, stretched out, unfamiliar freeway driving, it is easy to get turned around. Not so much ....lost, as just maybe going in the wrong direction.
Then something in your subconcious says, “Pay attention. Somethings wrong, something doesnt feel right. You begin to look around, looking for familiar landmarks, familiar territory. Something that will give you a hint that you know where you are, that you are on the right track, the right freeway.
Because on a freeway, you can't suddenly make a U turn, or go around the block and head in the opposite direction. You may be stuck.
You take a deep breath, look for familiar freeway signs, anything. Anything that will tell you where you are and where to go next. Nothing. How did this happen, how did I get so lost, and what do I do now.What do I DO?
In Los Angeles as in almost any large, unfamiliar city, you don't want to get off the freeway, even for a block to get the next on ramp going in the opposite direction, if you don't know exactly where you are. That decision could be deadly.
This is what I faced when I decided I was too sick to continue down the road I was on. Somewhere I had made the wrong decision, the misdirected turn.I felt I had been doing what was best for everyone concerned, and had been doing what God wanted me to do.So why the quandry? If God was calling me home, well OK, so be it. But I really didn't feel that was it, that that was the answer.What do I do, God, where do I go? I kept hearing, “Trust Me.” OK, God, its out of my hands. I am in your hands now. I turned it over and I let it go.
And ended up almost immediately in the hospital, in the capable hands of doctors and nurses, saving my life.I felt I was exactly where I needed to be at that time in my life. Why, I really didn't know at the time.Why wasn't important. But I knew I was safe in Gods Loving embrace. I knew I was healing.And I knew I would live. I would live another day, another month, another year, another lifetime.
I have a new direction and goals now.
So with God as my navigator directing my path, I continue to heal and grow in His Love.
Be aware of your direction, and think about your goals.
Then something in your subconcious says, “Pay attention. Somethings wrong, something doesnt feel right. You begin to look around, looking for familiar landmarks, familiar territory. Something that will give you a hint that you know where you are, that you are on the right track, the right freeway.
Because on a freeway, you can't suddenly make a U turn, or go around the block and head in the opposite direction. You may be stuck.
You take a deep breath, look for familiar freeway signs, anything. Anything that will tell you where you are and where to go next. Nothing. How did this happen, how did I get so lost, and what do I do now.What do I DO?
In Los Angeles as in almost any large, unfamiliar city, you don't want to get off the freeway, even for a block to get the next on ramp going in the opposite direction, if you don't know exactly where you are. That decision could be deadly.
This is what I faced when I decided I was too sick to continue down the road I was on. Somewhere I had made the wrong decision, the misdirected turn.I felt I had been doing what was best for everyone concerned, and had been doing what God wanted me to do.So why the quandry? If God was calling me home, well OK, so be it. But I really didn't feel that was it, that that was the answer.What do I do, God, where do I go? I kept hearing, “Trust Me.” OK, God, its out of my hands. I am in your hands now. I turned it over and I let it go.
And ended up almost immediately in the hospital, in the capable hands of doctors and nurses, saving my life.I felt I was exactly where I needed to be at that time in my life. Why, I really didn't know at the time.Why wasn't important. But I knew I was safe in Gods Loving embrace. I knew I was healing.And I knew I would live. I would live another day, another month, another year, another lifetime.
I have a new direction and goals now.
So with God as my navigator directing my path, I continue to heal and grow in His Love.
Be aware of your direction, and think about your goals.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Be Good Stewards
Learn to appreciate and really care for all that is given to you. Learn to be good stewards of all Gods good and perfect gifts. When living in community this is a vitally important lesson to learn and yet a very difficult one, especially when you fail to shoulder your responsibilities as they should be shouldered. Realise that until those important lessons of caring for and looking after all God has given you have been learnt, no more will be given. When something needs mending or maintenance, you personally see that it is done and do not just leave it for someone else to do and shelve your responsibilities. If you cannot do it yourselves, find the right person to do it and ask for their help.
Love is the key to all of this: Love for God; love for the whole, love for each other, love for everything.
Love is the key to all of this: Love for God; love for the whole, love for each other, love for everything.
TIME
Remember when you were a kid and it seemed time went by so slowly. Especially when, with your parents, you were visiting great aunt Hilda. She had no children, so had no childrens toys or books or magazines or a swing in the back yard. NOTHING. The time stretched to forever, day after day, altho it was only an hour or 2. Boredom was a time lengthener, and made hours turn into days.
But, on the other hand, anticipation could make time go very slowly. Waiting for Christmas took months and months. And a special holiday or your bithday party, also made time pass excruciatingly slow. Then that special day there and was gone in the blink of an eye. Done. Over with till next year. Next year - that was like forever.
But the beginning of schooll approached like a freight train, faster than a speeding bullet, and summer was over. Done. And you were bored for years till christmas time.
I have noticed that as I got older time changed, or seemed to go by faster. Whether an illusion or real, I never seem to have enough time for everything I want to do on a given day. The day is gone, I know not where, and I am falling asleep at the computer.
How will I get everything done I want to do, or even need to do, before I get too old to do – well, to do anything.I don't know how I will get all those things done as my list is long.
So my advice to myself and to you dear friends, is to prioritize. Make a list of all you want to accomplish. Write everything down. Then shuffle them and put them in order of importance. First things first.
Spend several days or even weeks on this list – you want to get it right. When you are done with the list, read it over and cross out the tasks that have the least importance to you and to your life. Narrow it down to the top 10. Read ove r the top ten tasks you want to accomplish in your remaining lifetime.Think about ways you can attain this goal. Make a few notes.. Read it over again. Then carefully tear it into a million pieces, and throw them into the trash, take out the trash and pore it into the big plastic bin. Brush your hands together, and mutter to yourself, 'Accomplished.'Then totally forget the list. And go on with your life.
Remember John Lennon said, 'Life is what happens to you when you are making other plans.'
But, on the other hand, anticipation could make time go very slowly. Waiting for Christmas took months and months. And a special holiday or your bithday party, also made time pass excruciatingly slow. Then that special day there and was gone in the blink of an eye. Done. Over with till next year. Next year - that was like forever.
But the beginning of schooll approached like a freight train, faster than a speeding bullet, and summer was over. Done. And you were bored for years till christmas time.
I have noticed that as I got older time changed, or seemed to go by faster. Whether an illusion or real, I never seem to have enough time for everything I want to do on a given day. The day is gone, I know not where, and I am falling asleep at the computer.
How will I get everything done I want to do, or even need to do, before I get too old to do – well, to do anything.I don't know how I will get all those things done as my list is long.
So my advice to myself and to you dear friends, is to prioritize. Make a list of all you want to accomplish. Write everything down. Then shuffle them and put them in order of importance. First things first.
Spend several days or even weeks on this list – you want to get it right. When you are done with the list, read it over and cross out the tasks that have the least importance to you and to your life. Narrow it down to the top 10. Read ove r the top ten tasks you want to accomplish in your remaining lifetime.Think about ways you can attain this goal. Make a few notes.. Read it over again. Then carefully tear it into a million pieces, and throw them into the trash, take out the trash and pore it into the big plastic bin. Brush your hands together, and mutter to yourself, 'Accomplished.'Then totally forget the list. And go on with your life.
Remember John Lennon said, 'Life is what happens to you when you are making other plans.'
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
THE PUZZLE
Cancer-phobe. A noun, meaning an excessive fear of contacting a malignancy.
My cancer phobia was not a fear for my health, but rather a fear of talking to a person with cancer. Not an irrational fear that I would get their cancer, but a very real fear of saying the wrong thing, or saying the right thing badly, and inflicting uneeded emotional pain. So I said and did nothing.
Many years ago, one of my best friends developed cancer and I said and did nothing.She recovered beautifully and is still cancer free.
But my feelings of overwhelming guilt for my sins of omission remain. My friend has been very supportive and always seems to know the right things to say to me.
After I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and after the first few months of adjusting to this new life, I started noticing peoples reaction –to me. And I noticed averted glances, or a big smile thrown my way, and then a scurrying off to take care of some forgotten chore. Just as I used to do.
But I have changed and my life, my reactions have changed. I have undergone an epiphany of sorts. I feel as tho, besides removing my breast, my doctors removed 'me.'
They cut 'me' up into little pieces and like a jigsaw puzzle, they put 'me' back together differently. But they had to, for the pieces wouldn't fit together in the old way. The Drs. had to help me find the new 'me.' So the drs and nurses began to reassemble the puzzle that was'me.' And my family and friends had to help me find and define the new 'me.'
We are all still working on the 'me' puzzle, but I am getting closer to being 'finished' and 'put together' right. Now I search out cancer survivors, In stores, on survivor forums, anyplace, anywhere, and approach them with love and welcoming to the sisterhood.
So my recommendation to everyone is this: If you see anyone, anywhere that is 'different' than you, different in ANY way, and you really want to turn the other way, DONT!!
Don't turn and try and forget them. Don't run away. Go to them with love and acceptance and more love. Because love fills in all the gaps and nooks and crannies of missed places and the missing pieces in all of us.
Thank you to my friends and family.
And Thank you David
My cancer phobia was not a fear for my health, but rather a fear of talking to a person with cancer. Not an irrational fear that I would get their cancer, but a very real fear of saying the wrong thing, or saying the right thing badly, and inflicting uneeded emotional pain. So I said and did nothing.
Many years ago, one of my best friends developed cancer and I said and did nothing.She recovered beautifully and is still cancer free.
But my feelings of overwhelming guilt for my sins of omission remain. My friend has been very supportive and always seems to know the right things to say to me.
After I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and after the first few months of adjusting to this new life, I started noticing peoples reaction –to me. And I noticed averted glances, or a big smile thrown my way, and then a scurrying off to take care of some forgotten chore. Just as I used to do.
But I have changed and my life, my reactions have changed. I have undergone an epiphany of sorts. I feel as tho, besides removing my breast, my doctors removed 'me.'
They cut 'me' up into little pieces and like a jigsaw puzzle, they put 'me' back together differently. But they had to, for the pieces wouldn't fit together in the old way. The Drs. had to help me find the new 'me.' So the drs and nurses began to reassemble the puzzle that was'me.' And my family and friends had to help me find and define the new 'me.'
We are all still working on the 'me' puzzle, but I am getting closer to being 'finished' and 'put together' right. Now I search out cancer survivors, In stores, on survivor forums, anyplace, anywhere, and approach them with love and welcoming to the sisterhood.
So my recommendation to everyone is this: If you see anyone, anywhere that is 'different' than you, different in ANY way, and you really want to turn the other way, DONT!!
Don't turn and try and forget them. Don't run away. Go to them with love and acceptance and more love. Because love fills in all the gaps and nooks and crannies of missed places and the missing pieces in all of us.
Thank you to my friends and family.
And Thank you David
Friday, November 7, 2008
HAPPINESS
I never knew my family.
Perhaps I should explain. I knew my family, I lived with them, and I loved them. But I never understood them.I never felt close or comfortable with them. Always on my best behavior, always trying to do what was 'right' Always changing and 'trying to fit in,' being what I thought they wanted me to be. Anything to get them to love me. Accept me. And I soon lost sight of who I really was and became a chameleon, changing with the tides of my childish perception.
My gramma loved me and let me know it. Let me know I was fine just the way I was, whatever that was. I don't remember her ever critizing me. She just loved me. My mom said Gramma spoiled me rotten.
My mother was beautiful, distant, unavailable emotionally, and the most unknown of all. My mom and dad were married secretly, and when my dad was killed racing cars professionally, she tried to kill herself. My dads family didn't believe her when she told them she and their dead son had been married secretly. Then she found out she was pregnant, a pregnancy she did not want, a baby she did not want.
I grew up very confused about who I was, where I fit into these 2 familys. I tried so hard to fit in someplace, anyplace, to feel comfortable and loved and less scared.
It has taken 20 yrs of diving deep into the dark spaces inside me, and begin to feel comfortable in my own skin.
As I am writing this note I am overwhelmed by sadness. The sadness, and terrible fear of this lonely, little girl still living inside me, unseen and unloved for so long.Unaccepted for what she was/is.
I talk to this lonely little girl, and tell her over and over how much I love her, and I will always keep her safe, and protected.And I accept her just the way she is.
I hear a small breatheless sigh (of relief?), and begin to calm down and feel .... ...what? Comfortable, safe, and loved and.... .... happy?
Have you talked to your little child lately?
Perhaps I should explain. I knew my family, I lived with them, and I loved them. But I never understood them.I never felt close or comfortable with them. Always on my best behavior, always trying to do what was 'right' Always changing and 'trying to fit in,' being what I thought they wanted me to be. Anything to get them to love me. Accept me. And I soon lost sight of who I really was and became a chameleon, changing with the tides of my childish perception.
My gramma loved me and let me know it. Let me know I was fine just the way I was, whatever that was. I don't remember her ever critizing me. She just loved me. My mom said Gramma spoiled me rotten.
My mother was beautiful, distant, unavailable emotionally, and the most unknown of all. My mom and dad were married secretly, and when my dad was killed racing cars professionally, she tried to kill herself. My dads family didn't believe her when she told them she and their dead son had been married secretly. Then she found out she was pregnant, a pregnancy she did not want, a baby she did not want.
I grew up very confused about who I was, where I fit into these 2 familys. I tried so hard to fit in someplace, anyplace, to feel comfortable and loved and less scared.
It has taken 20 yrs of diving deep into the dark spaces inside me, and begin to feel comfortable in my own skin.
As I am writing this note I am overwhelmed by sadness. The sadness, and terrible fear of this lonely, little girl still living inside me, unseen and unloved for so long.Unaccepted for what she was/is.
I talk to this lonely little girl, and tell her over and over how much I love her, and I will always keep her safe, and protected.And I accept her just the way she is.
I hear a small breatheless sigh (of relief?), and begin to calm down and feel .... ...what? Comfortable, safe, and loved and.... .... happy?
Have you talked to your little child lately?
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