HAPPINESS

I never knew my family.
Perhaps I should explain. I knew my family, I lived with them, and I loved them. But I never understood them.I never felt close or comfortable with them. Always on my best behavior, always trying to do what was 'right' Always changing and 'trying to fit in,' being what I thought they wanted me to be. Anything to get them to love me. Accept me. And I soon lost sight of who I really was and became a chameleon, changing with the tides of my childish perception.

My gramma loved me and let me know it. Let me know I was fine just the way I was, whatever that was. I don't remember her ever critizing me. She just loved me. My mom said Gramma spoiled me rotten.

My mother was beautiful, distant, unavailable emotionally, and the most unknown of all. My mom and dad were married secretly, and when my dad was killed racing cars professionally, she tried to kill herself. My dads family didn't believe her when she told them she and their dead son had been married secretly. Then she found out she was pregnant, a pregnancy she did not want, a baby she did not want.
I grew up very confused about who I was, where I fit into these 2 familys. I tried so hard to fit in someplace, anyplace, to feel comfortable and loved and less scared.
It has taken 20 yrs of diving deep into the dark spaces inside me, and begin to feel comfortable in my own skin.

As I am writing this note I am overwhelmed by sadness. The sadness, and terrible fear of this lonely, little girl still living inside me, unseen and unloved for so long.Unaccepted for what she was/is.

I talk to this lonely little girl, and tell her over and over how much I love her, and I will always keep her safe, and protected.And I accept her just the way she is.

I hear a small breatheless sigh (of relief?), and begin to calm down and feel .... ...what? Comfortable, safe, and loved and.... .... happy?



Have you talked to your little child lately?