THE PIANO

I remember, as a small child always being afraid, anxious and terribly shy. I worried constantly about making my mother angry, and then she would yell at me, which was almost worse than the frequent spankings I got for disobeying her rules.
My one act of outright defiance was to run away to the neighbors house 4 doors down the street any time the pull was over powering. I would open the door and walk into the neighbors house and sit down at their piano and begin bouncing my little fingers around the keyboard. Oh, those sounds were so beautiful, so precious to me, and well worth the almost certain spanking I would get when my mother found me. I had strict orders to NOT go running off down the street. But the lure of the magic sounds I could make on that piano was overwhelming.

But far worse was the piano lure at my gramma's house. That piano was across the busy street, and I was totally forbidden to go there, unless an adult could go with me. But the adults could never find time to go with me. So run away I did and for a few glorious moments I could live in another world. But first I would knock on this neghbors door, and the good lady of the house would invite me in, and let me bang on her piano. And then she would call my gramma, letting her know where I had run off to. Gramma would come to get me, and if I was really lucky, she would sit and visit with the kind neighbor for a few golden minutes. And, best of all, gramma would never tell my mother, and I Bless her for that. At least I felt someone was on my side. Someone understood me, and that made the times I stayed with my gramma extra special, and I held those memories close to my heart, so I could take them out and relive them after I went home with my mother. Then I would not feel so lonely and afraid. I knew I would be able to visit my beloved gramma soon. And then I could run away to play my precious piano again.

MELTDOWN

I had a meltdown last nite.
David and I were trying to fix an audio tape, and I was having trouble concentrating on the task at hand. I felt the familiar buildup of tension inside me, inside my mind. Since the cancer surgeries I have very little emotional stamina and I easily get out of control emotionally.. Other times, I am fine and can roll with whatever is going on. But add a little bit of pressure and I have a short fuse. Very short. This time I quickly 'lost it', and had to leave the room. I started crying and couldn't stop. I felt overwhelmed by my emotions, and I cried and cried for a long time. I kept hearing in my mind, “I have cancer, I have cancer, I will always have cancer. Even if I never have a reoccurance, I will still always have cancer,” my mind screamed. I will always, for the rest of my life, have cancer. And I will have to worry and always check my body and mind to see what is going on. Always on hyper alert to little changes, real or imagined.And I was ovrwhelmed by that knowledge.
I had noticed since we began attending survivors group every week, and hearing other women talk about their anger at the cancer diagnosis, that I had no obvious anger. I would search my mind and dust out the darkened corners to try and find secrets there. But I never found anything. I knew sooner or later the anger would pop up and become known.
But this episode did not feel like anger, altho I'm sure anger was there. It was a total, overwhelming depression and it took me over and made me its own. And I am going with it, but only for a short while, a day or so. I know it would be easy for me to get lost in those feelings of poor me, of victim, etc. Many years of free floating depression have alerted me to the subtleties and nuances of this condition, and it can be very seductive.I will not give in to it. It is only temporary, a learning experience, and with Davids support and Gods help and sustenance, I will return to my optimistic, even tempered self.

SWEET LEMONADE

"LIFES TRAGEDY IS THAT WE GET OLD TOO SOON AND WISE TOO LATE."
~ Ben Franklin










'THE HARDEST YEARS IN LIFE ARE BETWEEN 10 AND 70.'
~ Helen Hayes




LEMONADE ANYONE?

Or how I am surviving chemotherapy.

Having made it thru 9 months of chemotherapy, I think I have the right to make a few comments on- survival.

First, I think I wasn't focused on surviving. Surviving sounds like such a battle, and I don't want to get into a battle. As the famous rock star said, I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover. I love life, and so I was focused on living, doing the day to day tasks that life requires. Focus on life, not the problems. Or to put it another way, focus on Love of life, not the problems of life.

Second, laugh at yourself a lot. I encouraged and nurtured a sense of humor in myself and whatever predicament I found myself in at the moment. So don't take life so seriously. Look for and find something funny in each situation. Its not impossible.

Third, I surrounded my self with friends that had similar interests and goals (like living happily). I found a support group for cancer survivors and David and I both attended. If you feel you don't have supportive friends then put yourself out there and find them. They are out there waiting for you.

Fourth, I have learned to love and respect my body. Whatever has been done to it to save my life is ok. It may not be what some people think of as beautiful, but it is to me and I love it. Society has a very warped idea these days of beauty. Don't let anyone decide what is pleasing or beautiful in your life.

Fifth, don't let anyone make your decisions for you. Don't let anyone bully you into doing something you don't want to do. But do research and read
and learn so you can back up your decisions with true knowledge not just emotion. I'm still learning this. Still doing my research.

Lastly, stay close to God. And get closer every day with prayer, meditation and thoughts of Him. Turn to Him often and listen closely and quietly for His answers. He has a very quiet voice. He won't intrude. He won't show up where He isn't wanted. But God is my strength and support, and He is helping me every day get through this life trial.

You can make sweet lemonade out of sour lemons!

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

SEARCHING

Thought for the week


Me: God can you hear me? Are you listening to my prayers?
God: My child, are you listening for my voice? Can you hear my still, small voice answering your prayers?



SEARCHING

It seems we are always searching. Searching personally and as a people. Searching for a new place to live, a new car, a new friend, a new and unusual restaurant, or relationship. Something new that will surely bring with it happiness, some semblance of sanity in a crazy world. We are never satisfied with what we have and we are continually looking, looking.

This need to search is not bad or wrong in itself. Search for the new gives us inventions and can give us radical breakthroughs in science or medicine, in music, art, in living and thinking. It can keep us personally current with the latest changes in our fast changing world. But it can also give us a great deal of discontent, if we carry the search to extremes and let it control our inner playing field. My belief is this: a new car, a new relationship, or a new place to live does you no good and is not in you best interests if you take the old you into the new relationship or new city. It will feel good for awhile and bring you momentary happiness. But when the newness wears off, and you still have the old you, you are faced with the horrible reality of the sameness of your problems.

When we look outside ourselves for the answer to almost any problem we are going to be disappointed. When we honestly begin with changing ourselves, we will eventually have good success. The work is hard and can be messy, and painful. And it surely may take awhile, but it is the only way to bring happiness and/or peace of mind into your life.

Look at yourself, at your beliefs and behavior honestly and closely. Are you true to your deepest self? Do you know your deepest self? Maybe you need an introduction: outward self, meet your truest self, may you live happily ever after.

Decide to do the inner work necessary or if too difficult to go it alone, get help. A good friend or partner that is loving and can be honest and gentle may help. Or a real pro therapist.
Decide to do anything you have to do to grow and learn to value your own self, you own integrity.
Stop searching out there, and begin doing your searches deep inside yourself.

I am.

GIVING THANKS

GIVING THANKS


I am writing this note to my friends a few days after the Thanksgiving Holidays. But thanksgiving is never far from my thoughts. I am grateful for every Blessed day I have on this planet called Earth whether it's a beautiful day, or a day like we just had – snowing, in November. Too cold and too soon for my liking. But as I crawled into my warm, comfortable bed, snuggled in next to David, pulled the covers up to my chin and said my prayers of Thankfulness. Thank You, God, that I have a warm bed in a cozy home and a loving relationship. I say prayers for all of God's children that are homeless right now, and trying to find a little bit of comfort on this cold night. Some are old, and achy even on a sunny day, and some of the homeless are babies and little children. My heart is so sad for them, that they have to know the pain of not having a little home to keep them warm and safe.

And my heart aches with sadness for the veterans who were willing to give their lives for all of us and are now homeless, living on the streets of their beloved country..Some old vets from the 2nd WW, sick and sad and unable to care for themselves. Too sick or crippled to get a little job, and earn just enough money to put a roof over their head and a little food in their stomach. Some vets too sick mentally to put 2 thoughts together coherently wandering the streets, eating what they find in dumpsters. All street people are a shame to this rich country, but the old, crippled, feeble, all the young children and the veterans are the most shameful. We are most embarrassed about the veterans and our deceit and we turn away from their plight and pretend they aren't there and that they don't need us to care about and for them.

Another way we look at this problem is to pretend it's all their fault. If these brave soldiers really wanted to get a job and be self sufficient, then they would be out there looking for a job, some of us feel. Don't remember that they would have died for us if they had to. Don't think about the injuries, the loneliness, the humiliation of living on the streets. How can anyone get more than a few minutes of sleep if you are always on guard, always need to be alert to all dangers of the street. How can we live with ourselves in the safety and warmth and most of all the love and caring that we feel in our nice, warm and comfortable homes.

So my prayers and Blessings go out to all our homeless no matter who or where they are.
I count my own Blessings and give thanks for the richness of my Life. My Blessings definitely overide the small problems I have in my life.

Thank You God for David and for our loving families.





MORNING PRAYER

"Now I wake me up to live
I'll give life all I have to give
If today I face a test
I'll pray and cope and do my best
With each breath and step I take
Be with me, Lord, for Heavens sake."
Amen
~ Unknown

PERFECT ENDINGS

"I wanted a perfect ending...Now I've learned the hard way...Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing whats going to happen next.
Delicious ambiguity
~ GILDA RADNER

FOGGY TOP

Life on the mt.

We've been down the hill for the day and are headed for home. As I approach this giant mountain range and if I notice clouds on or near the top of the mt, my stomach does a flip flop and I pray the fog isn't very thick and is just on the very top of our socal ole smokey. One of the unsung 'joys' of living in the beautiful mountains, is fog. Thick, white, swirling fog, playing hide and seek with me, the driver. Fog, hiding the middle yellow line from me, and also, the white line along the edge of the road. I anxiously seek turnout signs when I have a truck behind me with monster lights that the driver keeps flashing at me – hurry up, drive faster or PULL OVER, it says. So I pull over as soon as I see a turnout sign, praying that the fog will thin a little so I can see the turnout perimeter. I just want to make sure I have room for the car and won't end up in a precipitous situation on the edge of some cliff.
Nothing is familiar in this thick fog. Altho I have been driving this mountain almost every week and sometimes more often,for over 20 years, in the fog all landmarks are gone, disappeared in the always moving thick, white stuff.

I pull over safely, I hope, and let the truck go lumbering by, the driver speeding into the fog unable to see the road more than 5 feet in front of his vehicle. If that much.
I don't know why some people insist on living on the edge, so to speak. It probably makes life a little more exciting, but I can do with less excitement and maybe a longer more sedate life.

But life is so precious to me I can't do anything thats possibly self destructive for just a momentary thrill. Every God given beautiful day spent on this planet is a joy and enough of a thrill for me.

ROAD TRIP

As we travel on this road trip called Life, we will meet many challenges. We may be learning about forgiveness, or about service, or it could be a clearer understanding of love and acceptance. Maybe we are learning about receiving Blessings and knowing in our heart that we are worthy of these Blessings. It may be difficult to realize that some of these challenges are necessary for our physical, mental, emotional growth and most important is growth of our spiritual self. Some of the situations are easily confronted and learned and we pass on to the next challenge. Some experiences are difficult and trying and we just want to get thru it and go to the other side, not realizing that it is the difficulty and our reaction to it, that makes it valuable to our growth.

Similar to being in school again, we may study the situation and be able to come to some kind of conclusion or answer, that may help us go forward in growth. Sometimes it is difficult to find a solution that will make us happy and content altho still be propelled in a forward direction. Our ego may say, 'No you don't have to apologize for those words you said in haste, making someone you care about unhappy. They deserved it. They did the same thing to you.' Not a good time to listen to ego. Or at another time our belief about love may be challenged and we have to evaluate again, our ideas about loving another person and our expectations about how that person should show his love for us. And may I add here that expectations will get us in trouble quicker than a wink of the eye.

May the desire to live life to the fullest and best regardless of the circumstance you find yourself in, be your ultimate goal. To live with personal integrity and substance in a life devoted to service is my personal goal.

What is yours?

MY INTEGRITY

Dear Annie,
In my need to be healthy and to beat cancer to a pulp, I am delving in to the darkest part of my nether regions. And I have come up with some different perceptions than I had before. I need to tell someone to make the new perceptions more real, and I have chosen you to be my 'someone.' So grab a cup of coffee, and leave the unpacking till later.

My mother and I never got along and always had a lot of negative emotion between us. As an adult, I felt my mom had 'done me wrong,' during my childhood. As a child I did everything I could to 'make' her love me. I became the almost perfect, unseen and unheard child, molding myself into what I thought she wanted me to be. Nothing changed.

My dad died in a car crash before I was born, and I was not allowed to talk about him.
When I was 16 I heard the true story about my fathers death from a friend that had been there the day he died. Because I had never heard the story from anyone, I believed, with a childs innocence, that the reason he died was so I could be born. When I heard the true events of that day I was very angry, and stayed very angry at mom most of my adult life. I also stayed safe from most real love, and a lot of emotions and feelings. I saw the world through a red tinged anger. Which meant I also hurt most of the time. I learned how to use victimhood, and repeated the sad story a million times.

I spent a big part of my life chasing ephemeral happiness, here today, gone tomorrow, always blaming my disappointments on my mothers lack of love. Except for my beloved children, happiness escaped me.

When I was older and mom made advances to heal the chasm between us, I rebuffed her and felt vindicated, avenged. She called and said she wanted to talk to me, and I made excuses for not going to see her.
And before I knew it she died, and my chance to heal the relationship was gone.
At least on that level. But I am here again, and I will do what I can to heal, in more ways than one.
Mom, I am sorry I reveled in being a victim, at the expense of our relationship, and did nothing to heal it.
I am sorry Mom, please accept my sincerest apologies for acting like a brat.
I loved you then, I love you now, and I love you forever.
Thanks Annie for being my sounding board,
Love
Rae