Learn to appreciate and really care for all that is given to you. Learn to be good stewards of all Gods good and perfect gifts. When living in community this is a vitally important lesson to learn and yet a very difficult one, especially when you fail to shoulder your responsibilities as they should be shouldered. Realise that until those important lessons of caring for and looking after all God has given you have been learnt, no more will be given. When something needs mending or maintenance, you personally see that it is done and do not just leave it for someone else to do and shelve your responsibilities. If you cannot do it yourselves, find the right person to do it and ask for their help.
Love is the key to all of this: Love for God; love for the whole, love for each other, love for everything.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
TIME
Remember when you were a kid and it seemed time went by so slowly. Especially when, with your parents, you were visiting great aunt Hilda. She had no children, so had no childrens toys or books or magazines or a swing in the back yard. NOTHING. The time stretched to forever, day after day, altho it was only an hour or 2. Boredom was a time lengthener, and made hours turn into days.
But, on the other hand, anticipation could make time go very slowly. Waiting for Christmas took months and months. And a special holiday or your bithday party, also made time pass excruciatingly slow. Then that special day there and was gone in the blink of an eye. Done. Over with till next year. Next year - that was like forever.
But the beginning of schooll approached like a freight train, faster than a speeding bullet, and summer was over. Done. And you were bored for years till christmas time.
I have noticed that as I got older time changed, or seemed to go by faster. Whether an illusion or real, I never seem to have enough time for everything I want to do on a given day. The day is gone, I know not where, and I am falling asleep at the computer.
How will I get everything done I want to do, or even need to do, before I get too old to do – well, to do anything.I don't know how I will get all those things done as my list is long.
So my advice to myself and to you dear friends, is to prioritize. Make a list of all you want to accomplish. Write everything down. Then shuffle them and put them in order of importance. First things first.
Spend several days or even weeks on this list – you want to get it right. When you are done with the list, read it over and cross out the tasks that have the least importance to you and to your life. Narrow it down to the top 10. Read ove r the top ten tasks you want to accomplish in your remaining lifetime.Think about ways you can attain this goal. Make a few notes.. Read it over again. Then carefully tear it into a million pieces, and throw them into the trash, take out the trash and pore it into the big plastic bin. Brush your hands together, and mutter to yourself, 'Accomplished.'Then totally forget the list. And go on with your life.
Remember John Lennon said, 'Life is what happens to you when you are making other plans.'
But, on the other hand, anticipation could make time go very slowly. Waiting for Christmas took months and months. And a special holiday or your bithday party, also made time pass excruciatingly slow. Then that special day there and was gone in the blink of an eye. Done. Over with till next year. Next year - that was like forever.
But the beginning of schooll approached like a freight train, faster than a speeding bullet, and summer was over. Done. And you were bored for years till christmas time.
I have noticed that as I got older time changed, or seemed to go by faster. Whether an illusion or real, I never seem to have enough time for everything I want to do on a given day. The day is gone, I know not where, and I am falling asleep at the computer.
How will I get everything done I want to do, or even need to do, before I get too old to do – well, to do anything.I don't know how I will get all those things done as my list is long.
So my advice to myself and to you dear friends, is to prioritize. Make a list of all you want to accomplish. Write everything down. Then shuffle them and put them in order of importance. First things first.
Spend several days or even weeks on this list – you want to get it right. When you are done with the list, read it over and cross out the tasks that have the least importance to you and to your life. Narrow it down to the top 10. Read ove r the top ten tasks you want to accomplish in your remaining lifetime.Think about ways you can attain this goal. Make a few notes.. Read it over again. Then carefully tear it into a million pieces, and throw them into the trash, take out the trash and pore it into the big plastic bin. Brush your hands together, and mutter to yourself, 'Accomplished.'Then totally forget the list. And go on with your life.
Remember John Lennon said, 'Life is what happens to you when you are making other plans.'
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
THE PUZZLE
Cancer-phobe. A noun, meaning an excessive fear of contacting a malignancy.
My cancer phobia was not a fear for my health, but rather a fear of talking to a person with cancer. Not an irrational fear that I would get their cancer, but a very real fear of saying the wrong thing, or saying the right thing badly, and inflicting uneeded emotional pain. So I said and did nothing.
Many years ago, one of my best friends developed cancer and I said and did nothing.She recovered beautifully and is still cancer free.
But my feelings of overwhelming guilt for my sins of omission remain. My friend has been very supportive and always seems to know the right things to say to me.
After I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and after the first few months of adjusting to this new life, I started noticing peoples reaction –to me. And I noticed averted glances, or a big smile thrown my way, and then a scurrying off to take care of some forgotten chore. Just as I used to do.
But I have changed and my life, my reactions have changed. I have undergone an epiphany of sorts. I feel as tho, besides removing my breast, my doctors removed 'me.'
They cut 'me' up into little pieces and like a jigsaw puzzle, they put 'me' back together differently. But they had to, for the pieces wouldn't fit together in the old way. The Drs. had to help me find the new 'me.' So the drs and nurses began to reassemble the puzzle that was'me.' And my family and friends had to help me find and define the new 'me.'
We are all still working on the 'me' puzzle, but I am getting closer to being 'finished' and 'put together' right. Now I search out cancer survivors, In stores, on survivor forums, anyplace, anywhere, and approach them with love and welcoming to the sisterhood.
So my recommendation to everyone is this: If you see anyone, anywhere that is 'different' than you, different in ANY way, and you really want to turn the other way, DONT!!
Don't turn and try and forget them. Don't run away. Go to them with love and acceptance and more love. Because love fills in all the gaps and nooks and crannies of missed places and the missing pieces in all of us.
Thank you to my friends and family.
And Thank you David
My cancer phobia was not a fear for my health, but rather a fear of talking to a person with cancer. Not an irrational fear that I would get their cancer, but a very real fear of saying the wrong thing, or saying the right thing badly, and inflicting uneeded emotional pain. So I said and did nothing.
Many years ago, one of my best friends developed cancer and I said and did nothing.She recovered beautifully and is still cancer free.
But my feelings of overwhelming guilt for my sins of omission remain. My friend has been very supportive and always seems to know the right things to say to me.
After I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and after the first few months of adjusting to this new life, I started noticing peoples reaction –to me. And I noticed averted glances, or a big smile thrown my way, and then a scurrying off to take care of some forgotten chore. Just as I used to do.
But I have changed and my life, my reactions have changed. I have undergone an epiphany of sorts. I feel as tho, besides removing my breast, my doctors removed 'me.'
They cut 'me' up into little pieces and like a jigsaw puzzle, they put 'me' back together differently. But they had to, for the pieces wouldn't fit together in the old way. The Drs. had to help me find the new 'me.' So the drs and nurses began to reassemble the puzzle that was'me.' And my family and friends had to help me find and define the new 'me.'
We are all still working on the 'me' puzzle, but I am getting closer to being 'finished' and 'put together' right. Now I search out cancer survivors, In stores, on survivor forums, anyplace, anywhere, and approach them with love and welcoming to the sisterhood.
So my recommendation to everyone is this: If you see anyone, anywhere that is 'different' than you, different in ANY way, and you really want to turn the other way, DONT!!
Don't turn and try and forget them. Don't run away. Go to them with love and acceptance and more love. Because love fills in all the gaps and nooks and crannies of missed places and the missing pieces in all of us.
Thank you to my friends and family.
And Thank you David
Friday, November 7, 2008
HAPPINESS
I never knew my family.
Perhaps I should explain. I knew my family, I lived with them, and I loved them. But I never understood them.I never felt close or comfortable with them. Always on my best behavior, always trying to do what was 'right' Always changing and 'trying to fit in,' being what I thought they wanted me to be. Anything to get them to love me. Accept me. And I soon lost sight of who I really was and became a chameleon, changing with the tides of my childish perception.
My gramma loved me and let me know it. Let me know I was fine just the way I was, whatever that was. I don't remember her ever critizing me. She just loved me. My mom said Gramma spoiled me rotten.
My mother was beautiful, distant, unavailable emotionally, and the most unknown of all. My mom and dad were married secretly, and when my dad was killed racing cars professionally, she tried to kill herself. My dads family didn't believe her when she told them she and their dead son had been married secretly. Then she found out she was pregnant, a pregnancy she did not want, a baby she did not want.
I grew up very confused about who I was, where I fit into these 2 familys. I tried so hard to fit in someplace, anyplace, to feel comfortable and loved and less scared.
It has taken 20 yrs of diving deep into the dark spaces inside me, and begin to feel comfortable in my own skin.
As I am writing this note I am overwhelmed by sadness. The sadness, and terrible fear of this lonely, little girl still living inside me, unseen and unloved for so long.Unaccepted for what she was/is.
I talk to this lonely little girl, and tell her over and over how much I love her, and I will always keep her safe, and protected.And I accept her just the way she is.
I hear a small breatheless sigh (of relief?), and begin to calm down and feel .... ...what? Comfortable, safe, and loved and.... .... happy?
Have you talked to your little child lately?
Perhaps I should explain. I knew my family, I lived with them, and I loved them. But I never understood them.I never felt close or comfortable with them. Always on my best behavior, always trying to do what was 'right' Always changing and 'trying to fit in,' being what I thought they wanted me to be. Anything to get them to love me. Accept me. And I soon lost sight of who I really was and became a chameleon, changing with the tides of my childish perception.
My gramma loved me and let me know it. Let me know I was fine just the way I was, whatever that was. I don't remember her ever critizing me. She just loved me. My mom said Gramma spoiled me rotten.
My mother was beautiful, distant, unavailable emotionally, and the most unknown of all. My mom and dad were married secretly, and when my dad was killed racing cars professionally, she tried to kill herself. My dads family didn't believe her when she told them she and their dead son had been married secretly. Then she found out she was pregnant, a pregnancy she did not want, a baby she did not want.
I grew up very confused about who I was, where I fit into these 2 familys. I tried so hard to fit in someplace, anyplace, to feel comfortable and loved and less scared.
It has taken 20 yrs of diving deep into the dark spaces inside me, and begin to feel comfortable in my own skin.
As I am writing this note I am overwhelmed by sadness. The sadness, and terrible fear of this lonely, little girl still living inside me, unseen and unloved for so long.Unaccepted for what she was/is.
I talk to this lonely little girl, and tell her over and over how much I love her, and I will always keep her safe, and protected.And I accept her just the way she is.
I hear a small breatheless sigh (of relief?), and begin to calm down and feel .... ...what? Comfortable, safe, and loved and.... .... happy?
Have you talked to your little child lately?
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
FEELING ANXIOUS
I've noticed lately that I am more often anxious, short tempered, easily agitated, dejected and have trouble staying positive and upbeat. I am quick to put myself down, rag on my actions. I am not enough, or I am wrong or even, just plain stupid. Stupid is my favorite word for myself lately. Especially when I let myself get into this negative frame of mind.
I promised myself I would not let my thinking go down this path anymore. Putting myself down while recovering from cancer is not the best way to heal
So what do I do? How can I get back to my healing state of mind? I will share a few of my simple solutions with you. If you are having any of these symptoms, whether illness induced or just life induced, this exercise will help get you back to a gentler frame of mind.
First for a short while, go with it and look in all the dark, dusty corners of your mind for hidden secrets long buried, forgotten or denied. Where do these putdowns originate? Is it words your family or friends used to say to you? Or some trusted authority figure's conveyed judgements? Look deeply and search for negative agendas. Whatever you find take the time to decide if you want to keep that idea of who you are or trash it.
Second, focus on your breathing. We have a habit of taking short, shallow breathes. Oxygen is so important to cell health and mind clarity and overall optimism.
Breathe slowly and deeply. Watch your breathe go in and out. Feel your breath going into your lungs and then traveling all thru your body. Visualize colored breath or count the breaths. Anything to put your focus on breath for a minute or 2. Whatever you can do to refocus your mind to more positive thoughts.
This exercise helps me, and a few minutes spent this way will help you, too.
But I also have to remember that life WILL intrude on my ideas about how I should be during healing. I have to honor life and at the same time honor my body's health.
I promised myself I would not let my thinking go down this path anymore. Putting myself down while recovering from cancer is not the best way to heal
So what do I do? How can I get back to my healing state of mind? I will share a few of my simple solutions with you. If you are having any of these symptoms, whether illness induced or just life induced, this exercise will help get you back to a gentler frame of mind.
First for a short while, go with it and look in all the dark, dusty corners of your mind for hidden secrets long buried, forgotten or denied. Where do these putdowns originate? Is it words your family or friends used to say to you? Or some trusted authority figure's conveyed judgements? Look deeply and search for negative agendas. Whatever you find take the time to decide if you want to keep that idea of who you are or trash it.
Second, focus on your breathing. We have a habit of taking short, shallow breathes. Oxygen is so important to cell health and mind clarity and overall optimism.
Breathe slowly and deeply. Watch your breathe go in and out. Feel your breath going into your lungs and then traveling all thru your body. Visualize colored breath or count the breaths. Anything to put your focus on breath for a minute or 2. Whatever you can do to refocus your mind to more positive thoughts.
This exercise helps me, and a few minutes spent this way will help you, too.
But I also have to remember that life WILL intrude on my ideas about how I should be during healing. I have to honor life and at the same time honor my body's health.
Love & Kindness
Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They Bless the one who receives them, and they Bless you, the giver.
....Barbara De Angelis.
....Barbara De Angelis.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
THE PIANO
I remember, as a small child always being afraid, anxious and terribly shy. I worried constantly about making my mother angry, and then she would yell at me, which was almost worse than the frequent spankings I got for disobeying her rules.
My one act of outright defiance was to run away to the neighbors house 4 doors down the street any time the pull was over powering. I would open the door and walk into the neighbors house and sit down at their piano and begin bouncing my little fingers around the keyboard. Oh, those sounds were so beautiful, so precious to me, and well worth the almost certain spanking I would get when my mother found me. I had strict orders to NOT go running off down the street. But the lure of the magic sounds I could make on that piano was overwhelming.
But far worse was the piano lure at my gramma's house. That piano was across the busy street, and I was totally forbidden to go there, unless an adult could go with me. But the adults could never find time to go with me. So run away I did and for a few glorious moments I could live in another world. But first I would knock on this neghbors door, and the good lady of the house would invite me in, and let me bang on her piano. And then she would call my gramma, letting her know where I had run off to. Gramma would come to get me, and if I was really lucky, she would sit and visit with the kind neighbor for a few golden minutes. And, best of all, gramma would never tell my mother, and I Bless her for that. At least I felt someone was on my side. Someone understood me, and that made the times I stayed with my gramma extra special, and I held those memories close to my heart, so I could take them out and relive them after I went home with my mother. Then I would not feel so lonely and afraid. I knew I would be able to visit my beloved gramma soon. And then I could run away to play my precious piano again.
My one act of outright defiance was to run away to the neighbors house 4 doors down the street any time the pull was over powering. I would open the door and walk into the neighbors house and sit down at their piano and begin bouncing my little fingers around the keyboard. Oh, those sounds were so beautiful, so precious to me, and well worth the almost certain spanking I would get when my mother found me. I had strict orders to NOT go running off down the street. But the lure of the magic sounds I could make on that piano was overwhelming.
But far worse was the piano lure at my gramma's house. That piano was across the busy street, and I was totally forbidden to go there, unless an adult could go with me. But the adults could never find time to go with me. So run away I did and for a few glorious moments I could live in another world. But first I would knock on this neghbors door, and the good lady of the house would invite me in, and let me bang on her piano. And then she would call my gramma, letting her know where I had run off to. Gramma would come to get me, and if I was really lucky, she would sit and visit with the kind neighbor for a few golden minutes. And, best of all, gramma would never tell my mother, and I Bless her for that. At least I felt someone was on my side. Someone understood me, and that made the times I stayed with my gramma extra special, and I held those memories close to my heart, so I could take them out and relive them after I went home with my mother. Then I would not feel so lonely and afraid. I knew I would be able to visit my beloved gramma soon. And then I could run away to play my precious piano again.
THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE
Be willing and open to change and then expand, knowing that every change will be for the best. Always see the bright side of life: expect only the very best to come about and see it do so. Never blame anyone else for the negative state you are in. You are your own master, it is up to you to reverse a picture and see what is on the other side. Learn to lift a person or a situation and never allow yourselves to be dragged down into the depths of despair by anyone else's attitude. You are here to create peace, harmony, beauty and perfection - in fact all the very best in life, so get on and do something about it.
Let Gods peace and love infill and enfold each one of you. Lift up your hearts in deep love, praise and gratitude for all God is revealing to you.
Let Gods peace and love infill and enfold each one of you. Lift up your hearts in deep love, praise and gratitude for all God is revealing to you.
MELTDOWN
I had a meltdown last nite.
David and I were trying to fix an audio tape, and I was having trouble concentrating on the task at hand. I felt the familiar buildup of tension inside me, inside my mind. Since the cancer surgeries I have very little emotional stamina and I easily get out of control emotionally.. Other times, I am fine and can roll with whatever is going on. But add a little bit of pressure and I have a short fuse. Very short. This time I quickly 'lost it', and had to leave the room. I started crying and couldn't stop. I felt overwhelmed by my emotions, and I cried and cried for a long time. I kept hearing in my mind, “I have cancer, I have cancer, I will always have cancer. Even if I never have a reoccurance, I will still always have cancer,” my mind screamed. I will always, for the rest of my life, have cancer. And I will have to worry and always check my body and mind to see what is going on. Always on hyper alert to little changes, real or imagined.And I was overwhelmed by that knowledge.
I had noticed since we began attending survivors group every week, and hearing other women talk about their anger at the cancer diagnosis, that I had no obvious anger. I would search my mind and dust out the darkened corners to try and find secrets there. But I never found anything. I knew sooner or later the anger would pop up and become known.
But this episode did not feel like anger, altho I'm sure anger was there. It was a total, overwhelming depression and it took me over and made me its own. And I am going with it, but only for a short while, a day or so. I know it would be easy for me to get lost in those feelings of poor me, of victim, etc. Many years of free floating depression have alerted me to the subtleties and nuances of this condition, and it can be very seductive.I will not give in to it. It is only temporary, a learning experience, and with Davids support and Gods help and sustenance, I will return to my optimistic, even tempered self.
This is a video of Survivor(Burning Heart) that David played some keyboard on the recording. He's not in the video.
It is good music, upbeat and good energy. And I am a Survivor.
David and I were trying to fix an audio tape, and I was having trouble concentrating on the task at hand. I felt the familiar buildup of tension inside me, inside my mind. Since the cancer surgeries I have very little emotional stamina and I easily get out of control emotionally.. Other times, I am fine and can roll with whatever is going on. But add a little bit of pressure and I have a short fuse. Very short. This time I quickly 'lost it', and had to leave the room. I started crying and couldn't stop. I felt overwhelmed by my emotions, and I cried and cried for a long time. I kept hearing in my mind, “I have cancer, I have cancer, I will always have cancer. Even if I never have a reoccurance, I will still always have cancer,” my mind screamed. I will always, for the rest of my life, have cancer. And I will have to worry and always check my body and mind to see what is going on. Always on hyper alert to little changes, real or imagined.And I was overwhelmed by that knowledge.
I had noticed since we began attending survivors group every week, and hearing other women talk about their anger at the cancer diagnosis, that I had no obvious anger. I would search my mind and dust out the darkened corners to try and find secrets there. But I never found anything. I knew sooner or later the anger would pop up and become known.
But this episode did not feel like anger, altho I'm sure anger was there. It was a total, overwhelming depression and it took me over and made me its own. And I am going with it, but only for a short while, a day or so. I know it would be easy for me to get lost in those feelings of poor me, of victim, etc. Many years of free floating depression have alerted me to the subtleties and nuances of this condition, and it can be very seductive.I will not give in to it. It is only temporary, a learning experience, and with Davids support and Gods help and sustenance, I will return to my optimistic, even tempered self.
This is a video of Survivor(Burning Heart) that David played some keyboard on the recording. He's not in the video.
It is good music, upbeat and good energy. And I am a Survivor.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
BEATING CANCER WITH NUTRITION By Patrick Quillen
DAY 1
HOPE, OPTIMISM AND A FIGHTING SPIRIT
By Patrick Quillen
Focus on the parts of your body that are working properly, not on the disease. Since you are alive enough to read this, then something and maybe quite a bit of somethings are working in your body. Give thanks for everything you can think of. Thanksgiving is a healing balm on the body and soul.
What are your priorities in life? Have they changed since finding out about your diagnosis? Have they changed for the better? Is it possible the diagnosis has become a life threatening, yet valuable wakeup call for you?
We are all going to die. The question is not if, but rather, 'when.' For cancer patients, sometimes this when becomes a more immediate issue. But our finite lives should be an issue for all of us, all of the time. Life is precious. Not to be wasted. Many of us cram our days with minutia, trivial details. We spend too much time worrying about insignificant events and lose sight of the real issues in life.
Such as:
be here now
value your mission
cherish your friends
savor sunsets and sunrises
soak up the beauty and music and laughter and play that is all around you, but drowned out by the cacophony of crass commercialism
Be at peace with your Creator, however you concieve that Higher Power. People beat cancer all the time. But fear of death is not a reason to live.
What do you want them to say at your funeral? “ Look I think she's moving!!”.
Not going to happen. Begin today with a renewed sense of purpose proper perspective for the truly memorable things in life. Build a fighting can-do spirit that will serve you well for the coming journey of treatment. Find a co-patient, a loved one, or family member who is so supportive that they will keep you motivated when you have run out of steam.
Be enthusiastic. The word “enthusiasm” comes from the Greek word meaning “God within.” With joy, enthusiasm,appreciation,and altruism, we literally become a conduit for God's Life itself.
HOPE, OPTIMISM AND A FIGHTING SPIRIT
By Patrick Quillen
Focus on the parts of your body that are working properly, not on the disease. Since you are alive enough to read this, then something and maybe quite a bit of somethings are working in your body. Give thanks for everything you can think of. Thanksgiving is a healing balm on the body and soul.
What are your priorities in life? Have they changed since finding out about your diagnosis? Have they changed for the better? Is it possible the diagnosis has become a life threatening, yet valuable wakeup call for you?
We are all going to die. The question is not if, but rather, 'when.' For cancer patients, sometimes this when becomes a more immediate issue. But our finite lives should be an issue for all of us, all of the time. Life is precious. Not to be wasted. Many of us cram our days with minutia, trivial details. We spend too much time worrying about insignificant events and lose sight of the real issues in life.
Such as:
be here now
value your mission
cherish your friends
savor sunsets and sunrises
soak up the beauty and music and laughter and play that is all around you, but drowned out by the cacophony of crass commercialism
Be at peace with your Creator, however you concieve that Higher Power. People beat cancer all the time. But fear of death is not a reason to live.
What do you want them to say at your funeral? “ Look I think she's moving!!”.
Not going to happen. Begin today with a renewed sense of purpose proper perspective for the truly memorable things in life. Build a fighting can-do spirit that will serve you well for the coming journey of treatment. Find a co-patient, a loved one, or family member who is so supportive that they will keep you motivated when you have run out of steam.
Be enthusiastic. The word “enthusiasm” comes from the Greek word meaning “God within.” With joy, enthusiasm,appreciation,and altruism, we literally become a conduit for God's Life itself.
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