'The Power Of Losing Control'

The following are excerpts from the popular book, 'The Power Of Losing Control,' By Joe Caruso

Nearly all of us have something thats preventing us from being as successful, happy, and fulfilled as we might be.The possibilities of what that might be are as endless as the differences that make each of us unique.But, in my experience, the ones listed here are those that are the most common and most debilitating, and letting go of them offers us the greatest opportunity for growth.

#1 REGRET

He who regrets loses twice. We can't change what is and we can't change what was, and if we spend our time losing sleep over what we can't change, we'll be too tired to change what we can. Regret, therefore, as always self defeating. If you missed an opportunity-- whether it was to accept an invitation to dinner, to study harder for a test, to get to know someone better, or to sail around the world on a yacht-- the opportunity of that moment went with that moment and no amount of regret is going to get it back. By living with regret, you are reliving the same loss, which makes it an even greater loss than it was in the first place.But if you can take a step back and figure out what it was that kept you from seizing that opportunity when it was presented-- in other words, define what you were afraid of-- you'll be able to let go of that fear so it won't be holding you back the next time an opportunity arises.

Exercise 1

MAKE YOUR OWN TIMELINE

Take a piece of paper and draw a line across it from left to right.To the left of the line write birth. To the right put the word death. Now pick a point anywhere along that line. Make an x above that line and write -you are here.

We are creatures of the moment, and regret causes us to try to live in the past.When we try to live in the future, we'll experience anxiety. Trying to live in either the past or the future puts stress on the psyche because it means we're attempting to live in 2 or more places at once.And that stress manifests itself as either regret or anxiety. So to let go of regret, practice being in the moment. Teach yourself the powerful lesson that to bring all that you are to all that you do, is all you'll ever need.

#2 ANGER

Anger is always based on fear. If we're angry at someone or about something, its because we fear that person or that circumstance is likely to harm us, or has harmed us in some way. What we really fear is that we're losing control. We're casting ourselves in the role as victim, but thats a self-definition, and since we've created it, we also have the power to change it.We can't control other people's actions or attitudes, and we can't control external circumstances or events, but we can control the way we respond to those things. We don't have to be angry, because we do have other choices. The way we respond is always a choice-- in fact it's the only thing thats always a choice. So why would we choose to respond with a self defeating attitude instead of one that would serve us better?

EXERCISE 2

FIND THE FEAR

When you feel angry, try to find out what it is you're afraid of. In the heat of the moment, its always easier to deal with fear than it is to manage anger. The more you think about being angry, the more you'll validate your 'rightness,' and and in doing so you'll try to manage you're anger and thus become 'righteous.' And you'll only become angrier later. I call this banking your anger, which means saving it up to use later in an even bigger way. Sooner or later you'll begin looking forward to making a big righteous withdrawal from the bank, and eventually you'll blow up. It won't be pretty and it won't serve you or anyone else.

Looking for the fear allows you to:

1.take the psychic energy off your anger

2.arrive at a higher level of understanding

3.get to the real source of the problem

4.find your power in it

5.refocus your psychic energy to respond in a way that serves you you rather than with an automatic “fight or flight” surge of involuntary adrenaline.

Consider your fear, consider what you want, consider what what you can do about it, and do it. We can only act beyond our fears,not worry ourselves past them.

#3 BLAME

Blaming others for our situation or our unhappiness is a sure sign that we're feeling out of control, which means we're feeling afraid. If someone is treating us badly- well they get to do that. We can't control the behavior of others. (Heck, there are times we don't even control our own behavior as well as we should) It's rational to blame someone or something in our past or even our present, but more often than not, it's irrational to blame someone for our future. And what has happened to us is always less important than what we can do for ourselves. Blame keeps us from focusing our psychic energy on what we can do for ourselves and thus perpetuates our pain.

EXERCISE 3

IT'S ALL IN HOW YOU KEEP SCORE

Fact: Other people can and will do things that negatively affect us.

Fact: Other people can and will do things that positively affect us.

Fact: People will sometimes do things on purpose that negatively affect us.

Fact: People will sometimes do things on purpose that positively affect us.

Fact: They get to do that

We live in an interactive world, and all living things affect all other living things. They always have and they always will. To accept that fact is, acting naturally.

But if we pay attention, we'll begin to notice that, contrary to what we believe, more often than not we're the victims of unintended Blessings. Start to look for unintended Blessings you receive. That's learning to keep score differently.

Look for ways other people's actions have created opportunities for you. Notice that far more people have done things that have had a positive effect on you than have hurt you or negatively affected you in some way. Consciously spend more of your energy being grateful to those who have helped you and less of it blaming those who have in some way done you harm. It's important to remember that your energy is a blessing. It is the very stuff of life. Why would you want to give it to someone you don't even like?

We don't get to control other people's behavior, but their behavior can't control us either---unless we allow it to do so. And so, in the end, we have no one to blame but ourselves. Which leads to the next thing we need to let go of.....