LIFE SENSE & SENSIBILITIES

GOD

2010-07-21T11:47:00.000-07:00

When you ask God into your life, you think He or She is going to come into your psychic house, look around, and see that you just need a new floor or better furniture and that everything needs just a little cleaning - and so you go along for the first 6 months thinking how nice life is now that God is there. Then you look out the window one day and see that theres a wrecking ball outside.It turns out God actually thinks your whole foundation is shot and youre going to have to start over from scratch.
~ Marianne Williamson

Coldplay - Life In Technicolor ii (HD)

2010-04-30T12:30:00.000-07:00

2010-04-24T23:09:00.000-07:00

“You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you’ll discover will be wonderful. What you’ll discover will be yourself.”
~ Alan Alda

OUR BLUE JAYS

2010-04-08T11:55:00.001-07:00

A few days ago, we watched a pair of Blue Jays try to build a nest in the rafters of our porch about 5 feet from our front door. This is the fourth or fifth year that we have seen the Jays try and build a nest in the same spot. And they never succeed. The spot they pick is on a round log with the porch roof barely 5 inches above. It appears to us a very unlikely place, as we are in and out of the door often and on beautiful days like today, we keep the door open to enjoy the sunshine with the resultant music and commotion from inside our home very noticeable. The roundness of the log makes the twigs that the Jays use for the base of the nest, easily slip off to the ground. Sometimes the beginning of the nest will begin to take shape, and then the whole thing falls and the Jays have to start all over again. To make this project harder for the birds, they never seem to use the fallen twigs and have to fly out and get brand new twigs to begin the whole process again. We have made fun of their 'bird brains' every year and belittled their awry nesting instincts.

I said, “here we go again,' to David, as I was watching the birds yesterday begin to build the hopeless nest. I wondered if they could possibly be the same birds returning year after year to try and build their nest in the same ridiculous place. Not being interested in studying birds in any depth, we had no idea how long they lived. I decided to read up on the Blue Jays. I went online and found a wonderful bird site by the Canadian Wildlife Service, and read up on Blue Jays and found, among other facts,that the birds live 10-15 years. I also read this very interesting statement: 'Before the final nest is made, the birds build several incomplete nests as part of their courtship ritual.'
So our birds return year after year to go thru the same ritual near our back door. I guess they feel safe enough with us nearby.

I also revisited an important lesson. One I seem to need to relearn again and again. Somehow I forget and I judge situations or people before I know the whole story.

CALLING ALL ANGELS

2010-03-26T20:41:00.000-07:00

REGINA

I have a friend that is recovering from the same kind of breast cancer that I have. I met her on a cancer survivor forum. Her name is Regina, and she lives on the other side of the country. She is young, not even 40, has a loving husband, and 3 young children. Her 18 y/o daughter has just been accepted into surgical training school and will start classes next month. When she graduates, she will be able to work in the operating room at a hospital. Regina badgers her 16 y/o son to 'get your homework done, and, no you can't wear that shirt to school, and please turn the music down, Thank you.'
Her 4 y/o has just started T-ball and the whole family goes to watch little sister play T-ball. Mom works in the snack bar while the little kids are learning the rules of the game.

Reginas little girl was only 18 months old when she discovered a lump in her breast. She took a year off from her job as a cartographer in a small company, had 3 major surgeries and 5 months of chemotherapy during this time, all the while taking care of her baby, with some help from her husband and her older daughter. She is blessed with a loving, supportive family and many friends that also responded to her needs with help. But she did most of it, all the work of surviving, herself.

Now she is helping other women with breast cancer learn how to survive. She has designed an apron with large, roomy pockets for the post surgery drain bulbs. Sometimes a post surgery patient has to have these drains in for 5 or 6 weeks or more. I had 3 drains in for 4 weeks and carried them around in a plastic grocery bag, until my surgeon gave me some pretty little gift bags. But I still had to carry the bag everywhere I went. With the apron you can put the drains in a pocket and youre ready to go. It's a brilliant idea and Regina makes the aprons at home and sells them on the internet. At first she made them by hand and gave the aprons away free. She didn't have a sewing machine for several months, but when she did get one she could whip out aprons quickly. And now she charges for the aprons as she has too many orders to still give them away free. But she would if she could.
She feels as though she is doing something beneficial for the women in the breast cancer community, and I am inclined to agree.
I nominate Regina to receive the Angel of the Year Award.

ANGELS UNAWARE

2010-03-12T11:16:00.000-08:00

Life has a way of teaching us what we don't always want to hear or see. Life in this world of today is filled with fear, violence and disasters. It seems the ribbon of fear runs through our daily life and is presented to us on a platter in books, movies, articles, TV, newspapers and every day life. Be afraid, fearful, watch out. That guy over there looks different, he may be 'strange' and get 'out of control'. Be afraid, be VERY afraid. Don't trust, don't let your guard down. But when we are so filled full of fears there seems to be no room for Love, and we need to feel love and send Love out to the world.

My Angel story occurred on a very foggy, dark, and windy night. The wind blows the fog around, swirling it in circles,making it difficult to see . The mountain roads are dirty from numerous snow storms, making the middle yellow line almost impossible to see. I thought, 'Oh God just get us home safely.' I was creeping along the road and had a string of cars creeping along behind me. As soon as I could see a turnout, I pulled over to let the cars all pass and to make sure I had my fog lights on. I turned on my overhead light and was checking out my switches, trying to remember where the fog light switch was.

I noticed a van had pulled out of the line of cars going by, and felt a clutch of fear, when I saw the vans backup lights flick on. Do I need to take evasive action? But the line of cars was still passing by, and I couldn't get in the line. Then I noticed the van door open and a figure jump out and start walking towards our car. I said, 'Oh oh, someones walking towards us.' As the figure approached my window I could see it was a woman about my age with glasses and silver hair just like mine. I would never be able to approach a car with so many unknowns existing, no matter the situation. I had to admire her spunk.
I rolled the window down a bit and she asked if I was alright. I thanked her and said yes, I was just trying to make sure my fog lights were on. She said yes, they were on. She said did I want to follow her? It's easier being the second in line.
I said yes I would love to. She headed back to her van. The line of cars had diminished and we pulled out onto the road and started for home.
I was so struck by her courage and compassion I couldn't get her out of my mind. I knew she was my Angel in disguise.

2010-03-08T10:43:00.000-08:00

"Forget not to show Love unto strangers; for thereby some have entertained Angels unawares."
~ Hebrews 13:2

2010-03-03T10:16:00.000-08:00

"Always take hold of things by the smooth handle." ~ Thomas Jefferson

2010-03-01T01:22:00.001-08:00

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK: "Lifes splendor forever lies in wait about each one of us in all its fullness, but veiled from view, deep down, invisible, far off. It is there, though, not hostile, not reluctant, not deaf. If you summon it by the right word, by its right name, it will come." ~ Franz Kafka

THE PIANO

2010-02-27T15:43:00.000-08:00

I remember, as a small child always being afraid, anxious and terribly shy. I worried constantly about making my mother angry, and then she would yell at me, which was almost worse than the frequent spankings I got for disobeying her rules.
My one act of outright defiance was to run away to the neighbors house 4 doors down the street any time the pull was over powering. I would open the door and walk into the neighbors house and sit down at their piano and begin bouncing my little fingers around the keyboard. Oh, those sounds were so beautiful, so precious to me, and well worth the almost certain spanking I would get when my mother found me. I had strict orders to NOT go running off down the street. But the lure of the magic sounds I could make on that piano was overwhelming.

But far worse was the piano lure at my gramma's house. That piano was across the busy street, and I was totally forbidden to go there, unless an adult could go with me. But the adults could never find time to go with me. So run away I did and for a few glorious moments I could live in another world. But first I would knock on this neghbors door, and the good lady of the house would invite me in, and let me bang on her piano. And then she would call my gramma, letting her know where I had run off to. Gramma would come to get me, and if I was really lucky, she would sit and visit with the kind neighbor for a few golden minutes. And, best of all, gramma would never tell my mother, and I Bless her for that. At least I felt someone was on my side. Someone understood me, and that made the times I stayed with my gramma extra special, and I held those memories close to my heart, so I could take them out and relive them after I went home with my mother. Then I would not feel so lonely and afraid. I knew I would be able to visit my beloved gramma soon. And then I could run away to play my precious piano again.

MELTDOWN

2010-02-27T14:03:00.000-08:00

I had a meltdown last nite.
David and I were trying to fix an audio tape, and I was having trouble concentrating on the task at hand. I felt the familiar buildup of tension inside me, inside my mind. Since the cancer surgeries I have very little emotional stamina and I easily get out of control emotionally.. Other times, I am fine and can roll with whatever is going on. But add a little bit of pressure and I have a short fuse. Very short. This time I quickly 'lost it', and had to leave the room. I started crying and couldn't stop. I felt overwhelmed by my emotions, and I cried and cried for a long time. I kept hearing in my mind, “I have cancer, I have cancer, I will always have cancer. Even if I never have a reoccurance, I will still always have cancer,” my mind screamed. I will always, for the rest of my life, have cancer. And I will have to worry and always check my body and mind to see what is going on. Always on hyper alert to little changes, real or imagined.And I was ovrwhelmed by that knowledge.
I had noticed since we began attending survivors group every week, and hearing other women talk about their anger at the cancer diagnosis, that I had no obvious anger. I would search my mind and dust out the darkened corners to try and find secrets there. But I never found anything. I knew sooner or later the anger would pop up and become known.
But this episode did not feel like anger, altho I'm sure anger was there. It was a total, overwhelming depression and it took me over and made me its own. And I am going with it, but only for a short while, a day or so. I know it would be easy for me to get lost in those feelings of poor me, of victim, etc. Many years of free floating depression have alerted me to the subtleties and nuances of this condition, and it can be very seductive.I will not give in to it. It is only temporary, a learning experience, and with Davids support and Gods help and sustenance, I will return to my optimistic, even tempered self.

SWEET LEMONADE

2010-02-26T16:38:00.000-08:00

"LIFES TRAGEDY IS THAT WE GET OLD TOO SOON AND WISE TOO LATE."
~ Ben Franklin

'THE HARDEST YEARS IN LIFE ARE BETWEEN 10 AND 70.'
~ Helen Hayes

LEMONADE ANYONE?

Or how I am surviving chemotherapy.

Having made it thru 9 months of chemotherapy, I think I have the right to make a few comments on- survival.

First, I think I wasn't focused on surviving. Surviving sounds like such a battle, and I don't want to get into a battle. As the famous rock star said, I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover. I love life, and so I was focused on living, doing the day to day tasks that life requires. Focus on life, not the problems. Or to put it another way, focus on Love of life, not the problems of life.

Second, laugh at yourself a lot. I encouraged and nurtured a sense of humor in myself and whatever predicament I found myself in at the moment. So don't take life so seriously. Look for and find something funny in each situation. Its not impossible.

Third, I surrounded my self with friends that had similar interests and goals (like living happily). I found a support group for cancer survivors and David and I both attended. If you feel you don't have supportive friends then put yourself out there and find them. They are out there waiting for you.

Fourth, I have learned to love and respect my body. Whatever has been done to it to save my life is ok. It may not be what some people think of as beautiful, but it is to me and I love it. Society has a very warped idea these days of beauty. Don't let anyone decide what is pleasing or beautiful in your life.

Fifth, don't let anyone make your decisions for you. Don't let anyone bully you into doing something you don't want to do. But do research and read
and learn so you can back up your decisions with true knowledge not just emotion. I'm still learning this. Still doing my research.

Lastly, stay close to God. And get closer every day with prayer, meditation and thoughts of Him. Turn to Him often and listen closely and quietly for His answers. He has a very quiet voice. He won't intrude. He won't show up where He isn't wanted. But God is my strength and support, and He is helping me every day get through this life trial.

You can make sweet lemonade out of sour lemons!

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

2010-02-14T14:28:00.000-08:00

SEARCHING

2010-02-14T14:20:00.000-08:00

Thought for the week

Me: God can you hear me? Are you listening to my prayers?
God: My child, are you listening for my voice? Can you hear my still, small voice answering your prayers?

SEARCHING

It seems we are always searching. Searching personally and as a people. Searching for a new place to live, a new car, a new friend, a new and unusual restaurant, or relationship. Something new that will surely bring with it happiness, some semblance of sanity in a crazy world. We are never satisfied with what we have and we are continually looking, looking.

This need to search is not bad or wrong in itself. Search for the new gives us inventions and can give us radical breakthroughs in science or medicine, in music, art, in living and thinking. It can keep us personally current with the latest changes in our fast changing world. But it can also give us a great deal of discontent, if we carry the search to extremes and let it control our inner playing field. My belief is this: a new car, a new relationship, or a new place to live does you no good and is not in you best interests if you take the old you into the new relationship or new city. It will feel good for awhile and bring you momentary happiness. But when the newness wears off, and you still have the old you, you are faced with the horrible reality of the sameness of your problems.

When we look outside ourselves for the answer to almost any problem we are going to be disappointed. When we honestly begin with changing ourselves, we will eventually have good success. The work is hard and can be messy, and painful. And it surely may take awhile, but it is the only way to bring happiness and/or peace of mind into your life.

Look at yourself, at your beliefs and behavior honestly and closely. Are you true to your deepest self? Do you know your deepest self? Maybe you need an introduction: outward self, meet your truest self, may you live happily ever after.

Decide to do the inner work necessary or if too difficult to go it alone, get help. A good friend or partner that is loving and can be honest and gentle may help. Or a real pro therapist.
Decide to do anything you have to do to grow and learn to value your own self, you own integrity.
Stop searching out there, and begin doing your searches deep inside yourself.

I am.

GIVING THANKS

2009-12-12T19:14:00.000-08:00

GIVING THANKS

I am writing this note to my friends a few days after the Thanksgiving Holidays. But thanksgiving is never far from my thoughts. I am grateful for every Blessed day I have on this planet called Earth whether it's a beautiful day, or a day like we just had – snowing, in November. Too cold and too soon for my liking. But as I crawled into my warm, comfortable bed, snuggled in next to David, pulled the covers up to my chin and said my prayers of Thankfulness. Thank You, God, that I have a warm bed in a cozy home and a loving relationship. I say prayers for all of God's children that are homeless right now, and trying to find a little bit of comfort on this cold night. Some are old, and achy even on a sunny day, and some of the homeless are babies and little children. My heart is so sad for them, that they have to know the pain of not having a little home to keep them warm and safe.

And my heart aches with sadness for the veterans who were willing to give their lives for all of us and are now homeless, living on the streets of their beloved country..Some old vets from the 2nd WW, sick and sad and unable to care for themselves. Too sick or crippled to get a little job, and earn just enough money to put a roof over their head and a little food in their stomach. Some vets too sick mentally to put 2 thoughts together coherently wandering the streets, eating what they find in dumpsters. All street people are a shame to this rich country, but the old, crippled, feeble, all the young children and the veterans are the most shameful. We are most embarrassed about the veterans and our deceit and we turn away from their plight and pretend they aren't there and that they don't need us to care about and for them.

Another way we look at this problem is to pretend it's all their fault. If these brave soldiers really wanted to get a job and be self sufficient, then they would be out there looking for a job, some of us feel. Don't remember that they would have died for us if they had to. Don't think about the injuries, the loneliness, the humiliation of living on the streets. How can anyone get more than a few minutes of sleep if you are always on guard, always need to be alert to all dangers of the street. How can we live with ourselves in the safety and warmth and most of all the love and caring that we feel in our nice, warm and comfortable homes.

So my prayers and Blessings go out to all our homeless no matter who or where they are.
I count my own Blessings and give thanks for the richness of my Life. My Blessings definitely overide the small problems I have in my life.

Thank You God for David and for our loving families.

MORNING PRAYER

"Now I wake me up to live
I'll give life all I have to give
If today I face a test
I'll pray and cope and do my best
With each breath and step I take
Be with me, Lord, for Heavens sake."
Amen
~ Unknown

PERFECT ENDINGS

2009-12-12T19:07:00.001-08:00

"I wanted a perfect ending...Now I've learned the hard way...Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing whats going to happen next.
Delicious ambiguity
~ GILDA RADNER

FOGGY TOP

2009-12-04T11:39:00.000-08:00

Life on the mt.

We've been down the hill for the day and are headed for home. As I approach this giant mountain range and if I notice clouds on or near the top of the mt, my stomach does a flip flop and I pray the fog isn't very thick and is just on the very top of our socal ole smokey. One of the unsung 'joys' of living in the beautiful mountains, is fog. Thick, white, swirling fog, playing hide and seek with me, the driver. Fog, hiding the middle yellow line from me, and also, the white line along the edge of the road. I anxiously seek turnout signs when I have a truck behind me with monster lights that the driver keeps flashing at me – hurry up, drive faster or PULL OVER, it says. So I pull over as soon as I see a turnout sign, praying that the fog will thin a little so I can see the turnout perimeter. I just want to make sure I have room for the car and won't end up in a precipitous situation on the edge of some cliff.
Nothing is familiar in this thick fog. Altho I have been driving this mountain almost every week and sometimes more often,for over 20 years, in the fog all landmarks are gone, disappeared in the always moving thick, white stuff.

I pull over safely, I hope, and let the truck go lumbering by, the driver speeding into the fog unable to see the road more than 5 feet in front of his vehicle. If that much.
I don't know why some people insist on living on the edge, so to speak. It probably makes life a little more exciting, but I can do with less excitement and maybe a longer more sedate life.

But life is so precious to me I can't do anything thats possibly self destructive for just a momentary thrill. Every God given beautiful day spent on this planet is a joy and enough of a thrill for me.

ROAD TRIP

2009-10-31T11:15:00.000-07:00

As we travel on this road trip called Life, we will meet many challenges. We may be learning about forgiveness, or about service, or it could be a clearer understanding of love and acceptance. Maybe we are learning about receiving Blessings and knowing in our heart that we are worthy of these Blessings. It may be difficult to realize that some of these challenges are necessary for our physical, mental, emotional growth and most important is growth of our spiritual self. Some of the situations are easily confronted and learned and we pass on to the next challenge. Some experiences are difficult and trying and we just want to get thru it and go to the other side, not realizing that it is the difficulty and our reaction to it, that makes it valuable to our growth.

Similar to being in school again, we may study the situation and be able to come to some kind of conclusion or answer, that may help us go forward in growth. Sometimes it is difficult to find a solution that will make us happy and content altho still be propelled in a forward direction. Our ego may say, 'No you don't have to apologize for those words you said in haste, making someone you care about unhappy. They deserved it. They did the same thing to you.' Not a good time to listen to ego. Or at another time our belief about love may be challenged and we have to evaluate again, our ideas about loving another person and our expectations about how that person should show his love for us. And may I add here that expectations will get us in trouble quicker than a wink of the eye.

May the desire to live life to the fullest and best regardless of the circumstance you find yourself in, be your ultimate goal. To live with personal integrity and substance in a life devoted to service is my personal goal.

What is yours?

MY INTEGRITY

2009-10-08T19:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Annie,
In my need to be healthy and to beat cancer to a pulp, I am delving in to the darkest part of my nether regions. And I have come up with some different perceptions than I had before. I need to tell someone to make the new perceptions more real, and I have chosen you to be my 'someone.' So grab a cup of coffee, and leave the unpacking till later.

My mother and I never got along and always had a lot of negative emotion between us. As an adult, I felt my mom had 'done me wrong,' during my childhood. As a child I did everything I could to 'make' her love me. I became the almost perfect, unseen and unheard child, molding myself into what I thought she wanted me to be. Nothing changed.

My dad died in a car crash before I was born, and I was not allowed to talk about him.
When I was 16 I heard the true story about my fathers death from a friend that had been there the day he died. Because I had never heard the story from anyone, I believed, with a childs innocence, that the reason he died was so I could be born. When I heard the true events of that day I was very angry, and stayed very angry at mom most of my adult life. I also stayed safe from most real love, and a lot of emotions and feelings. I saw the world through a red tinged anger. Which meant I also hurt most of the time. I learned how to use victimhood, and repeated the sad story a million times.

I spent a big part of my life chasing ephemeral happiness, here today, gone tomorrow, always blaming my disappointments on my mothers lack of love. Except for my beloved children, happiness escaped me.

When I was older and mom made advances to heal the chasm between us, I rebuffed her and felt vindicated, avenged. She called and said she wanted to talk to me, and I made excuses for not going to see her.
And before I knew it she died, and my chance to heal the relationship was gone.
At least on that level. But I am here again, and I will do what I can to heal, in more ways than one.
Mom, I am sorry I reveled in being a victim, at the expense of our relationship, and did nothing to heal it.
I am sorry Mom, please accept my sincerest apologies for acting like a brat.
I loved you then, I love you now, and I love you forever.
Thanks Annie for being my sounding board,
Love
Rae

SHADOW SHOT SUNDAY

2009-09-26T13:09:00.001-07:00

Sometimes what you see is not what you get. It's all perception.
This is our front deck stairway.
Rae

JOURNEY

2009-09-25T10:42:00.000-07:00

Today we'll take a little journey. Remember, you don't have to move to travel.
Find a comfortable position, sit back, close your eyes and take a deep breathe. Be aware of your breathe, counting each breathe, feeling more relaxed with each breath. Unwind, erase the blackboard of your mind, and feel your tense muscles relaxing, as a wave of peace and love move down through your body.

Then, in your minds eye imagine a pleasant scene. This will be your special place, your safe place, your own little corner of the world in the middle of nowhere. Create this place to be exactly the way you want it to be, filled with your scene, your colors, your sounds, your aromas and textures. How you feel here is perfectly alright, for its your safe place. Find a comfortable place to sit and look around at your safe place. See yourself being happy and totally relaxed as you look around. Feel the warm sun on your shoulders, and the gentle breeze caressing your face. Anytime you feel the need to 'get away' or escape for a few moments, you can be here, by picturing your safe place in your minds eye.

I want you to follow my voice again as we walk down a smooth small stone path and you can feel the pebbles under your feet. Ahead you will see a huge brilliant rainbow colored balloon with a basket. Step into the basket and release the balloon. There's nothing to fear, its very safe. You'll float upwards through the clouds and drift along smoothly. What a wonderful relaxing feeling. Just drifting along. You'll find a pen and paper in the basket. Write down all your problems and conflicts, then crumple the paper and throw it over the side. Notice how light and happy you feel after you let the paper go.

The balloon will start drifting down slowly to where we started out. Be careful stepping out of the basket, as you are so totally relaxed.

Start to return to your room, and your chair and the sounds in this room. Slip easily into this time and this place as you hear my voice and begin to wake up. Take a deep breath, staying relaxed and calm as you open your eyes and look around the room. You will remember the journey to your safe place and can return there anytime just by picturing your little corner of the world in your mind.

ADIEMUS

2009-09-22T20:49:00.000-07:00

ANGELS

2009-09-17T17:57:00.000-07:00

“I'm scared,” the little girl said as she looked up at me. “What can I do?”
With her bright eyes filled with unshed tears, and her soft angelic face framed by soft curly hair, she reminded me of someone. She kept saying, “What can I do? I don't know how to change, I don't know what change means.”
I knelt down to eye level and smiled at the sweet face, and watched one fat tear slide down her cheek and plop onto my skirt leaving a tiny dark wet spot.
“It's not about you changing, it's about me needing to change and you helping me, 'cause I don't know how.” I said. ”maybe we can change together.”
“I still don't understand.” she said softly, but she grasped my outstretched hand and we set off down the road. She was so trusting.
“It's about learning how to be like a little child again, I think, and I've forgotten how to be child-like.” I said, almost more to myself than to my walking partner. What am I supposed to be learning from this little girl. This child that reminds me of someone.

Before long we came to a fork in the road. One road sign read 'Change road.' The other sign said, 'Same way.'
“What do we do now? Which way do we go? I'm scared. Where are we?”I tried to reassure her and she calmed somewhat. I talked to her, telling her about me, about when I was a little girl.
“I think we're supposed to go down the road called Change.” We started walking again.
“She stopped and looked at me, “I trust you. I know you will keep me safe from harm.”
As we began to walk again, she said quietly, “And I Love you.”
I was struck by her words, her trust, her innocence. Is this what I am supposed to be learning, the trust and innocence and Love of a little child. What a big order for me to learn.
But learn it I will.
Reminds me of a phrase from my past, my childhood, ”....unless you change and become as little children....”

What's the rest of the phrase?

JUST THE BEAR FACTS MA'AM

2009-09-16T19:18:00.000-07:00

Living in the mountains, we have a chance to interact with the wildlife at times. From the Blue Jays to the Humming birds. From the Racoons to the Squirrels and the little Chipmunks. We also have a Bobcat that shows up periodically. A lot of Coyotes wander these mountains, and altho not my favorite they have a right to live here too, I guess. But the scariest of all are the bears. We have had a lot of interactions with the bears over the years, mostly with me screaming at them. But the most recent was just a few days ago, I was resting, think about falling asleep, till I heard a commotion at the kitchen door and a clattering, something falling. I got up to investigate and David said a bear had tried to open the screen door and come in the kitchen where there was lucious pizza remnants on the counter. He only succeeded in loosening the pet guard on the door. David chased him off before he could do any more damage.

One time a bear noticed our car window was open a mite, just enough to get a few bear claws through and with a little pull the whole window would crumble, and well there might be food inside. There was only pretzels, which he strung all over the car and on the ground. When I went out to get in the car and go to the market, it took a second to realize what all the pretzels and glass were doing all over the ground. But I soon realized the truth of the situation.
Usually my interactions with our resident bears starts and ends with me screaming. Sometimes hysterically and always loudly.

Well, whats a person to do, when you wake up at 6am, and a Big Bear is looking at you over the tops of your feet. Well he was just walking by on his way to the kitchen. In my deep slumber, I had dreamed someone was fiddlin' with the bedroom screen door going out to the deck. Well someone was – Mr Bear- and when I saw him, I screamed, and screamed. And screamed again. Yelling 'Get outta here,' with as forceful a demeanor as I could muster, shaky as I was. He stopped and looked at me and I could see in his eyes, 'But lady, stop yelling. I just need breakfast.' And he kept walking to the kitchen. I screamed louder, if possible. NO,NO, I SAID, GET OUTTA HERE.' He sighed and gave up, thinking,( I know,) 'Good Grief, I can't stand to hear screaming.' So he slowly turned around, giving me a dirty look as his face passed within inches of my feet. Feet that I hastily drew up closer to my body. He left our room, and our house and went somewhere more hospitable. Thank God.

NILES SMILES

2009-08-25T10:59:00.000-07:00

Sharon, the sister of friends of ours, wrote a short story about Gratitude, dedicated to her 15 y/o nephew, Nile. Nile always had a smile for everyone and was a happy, joyful teen, and altho he had a serious physical impairment it didn't slow him down. His parents, Carol and Ty, said Nile could always brighten up a room or a life with his smile. Sharon wrote about her gratitude for having this beautiful soul in her life and all the blessings she had received from and through him. She shared the story at her church and it became popular, with many people emailing it to friends and family in other churches all over the world.

One ladies church group heard the story, and wanted to do something for Nile. This dedicated group of ladies makes hand stitched prayer quilts for people with cancer or other devastating illnesses. The quilts are about 3 ft x 5 ft, and are put together in the old fashioned quilting way. Basically 8 large blocks of varied colors and patterns, sewn together,plain material on the other side, filled with cotton batting. They are colorful and vibrant, made up of 8 large squares with a picture in the middle of each large square. Niles quilt had pictures of him from babyhood to his teens. The 3 layers are tied together with a matching color of yarn, placed in strategic places. As these loving ladies tie each yarn knot they say a healing prayer for the person that will receive the blanket.

The church ladies contacted Carol and Ty about the prayer quilt made for their son, not knowing that the beloved teen had passed away from a MRSA infection in the meantime.

Now the quilt is resting on the shoulders of a healing family friend that is recovering from a brain tumor. The quilt was wrapped around my grateful shoulders for a few precious hours when we visited these caring people a few weeks ago. I could feel the healing prayers and energy coursing through my body and settling inside my heart, to rest there and help me heal.

BRICK WALLS

2009-07-01T12:41:00.000-07:00

I have hit a brick wall. All thru the last year and a ½, I have kept my equanimity, my composure, my stability. Through surgeries, doctors appointments, through radiation, doctors telling me I have lung metastasis, and doctors telling me I also have a second type of cancer. Nothing to do with the original cancer. Through tests, tests and more tests. Through chemo for the past 6 weeks. I have, well not really sailed through all these challenges, but kinda slowly coasted down hill on my E- ticket ride through life.

I have even looked for and found, and am still finding my Blessings on this cancer fantasy ride.
But now I have hit my Brick Wall with a solid kerplunk!! thwhhaaacccck!!

But now, due to the chemo I have lost all my hair. Or about 99.9 % of it. And the other .01 % doesn't really count. It looks like a spider web on my head. Not very appealing, so I keep a cap on most of the time.
I never dreamed I was so vain about how I look, especially my hair, but I was devastated.
And the resultant depression and embarrassment told me it was all ego. What a shock!!
I didn't really know what to do about my suffering vanity, except live with it.

Acceptance is also a good place to start, but that comes in small short clumps, and then its back to disappointment and vanity.
Now you know me. I am pretty much a realist, facing lifes challenges with a strength and a certain aplomb.
But no hair had me stumped. Caps, hats, scarves, wigs really did no good to my wounded ego. In fact, all the head paraphernalia called attention to my loss, to my – difference.
I have cancer. I am 'ill.' Generally people have a distrust, sometimes an embarrassment or discomfort of 'different.'
So don't have a disability, or a weakness, or illness or some other kind of 'difference.' You will only be an embarrassment.

Now , I am at my Brick Wall, and what am I going to do? In leiu of the non-existent phone booth, I'll have to find a powder room and change into my SuperWoman persona and bust thru that Brick Wall - Boom, Bamm, Kerpowww!!!

Because on the other side of my Brick Wall is my Hero – God. God with His soothing, comforting, Loving Embrace. He Loves 'different.'
I close my eyes and take a deep Breathe of God!

Ok I am fine now.

HEAL THE WORLD

2009-06-27T13:05:00.000-07:00

WE ARE THE WORLD
By Micheal Jackson, Lionel Ritchie, Diana Ross

I tried to download a youtube video of Michael Jacksons 'Heal The World', but they are witholding the free video downloads.
Here are the lyrics, not as impressive as the video, but....

Rae

"Heal The World"

There's A Place In
Your Heart
And I Know That It Is Love
And This Place Could
Be Much
Brighter Than Tomorrow
And If You Really Try
You'll Find There's No Need
To Cry
In This Place You'll Feel
There's No Hurt Or Sorrow

There Are Ways
To Get There
If You Care Enough
For The Living
Make A Little Space
Make A Better Place...

Heal The World
Make It A Better Place
For You And For Me
And The Entire Human Race
There Are People Dying
If You Care Enough
For The Living
Make A Better Place
For You And For Me

If You Want To Know Why
There's A Love That
Cannot Lie
Love Is Strong
It Only Cares For
Joyful Giving
If We Try
We Shall See
In This Bliss
We Cannot Feel
Fear Or Dread
We Stop Existing And
Start Living

Then It Feels That Always
Love's Enough For
Us Growing
So Make A Better World
Make A Better World...

Heal The World
Make It A Better Place
For You And For Me
And The Entire Human Race
There Are People Dying
If You Care Enough
For The Living
Make A Better Place
For You And For Me

And The Dream We Were
Conceived In
Will Reveal A Joyful Face
And The World We
Once Believed In
Will Shine Again In Grace
Then Why Do We Keep
Strangling Life
Wound This Earth
Crucify Its Soul
Though It's Plain To See
This World Is Heavenly
Be God's Glow

We Could Fly So High
Let Our Spirits Never Die
In My Heart
I Feel You Are All
My Brothers
Create A World With
No Fear
Together We'll Cry
Happy Tears
See The Nations Turn
Their Swords
Into Plowshares

We Could Really Get There
If You Cared Enough
For The Living
Make A Little Space
To Make A Better Place...

Heal The World
Make It A Better Place
For You And For Me
And The Entire Human Race
There Are People Dying
If You Care Enough
For The Living
Make A Better Place
For You And For Me

Heal The World
Make It A Better Place
For You And For Me
And The Entire Human Race
There Are People Dying
If You Care Enough
For The Living
Make A Better Place
For You And For Me

Heal The World
Make It A Better Place
For You And For Me
And The Entire Human Race
There Are People Dying
If You Care Enough
For The Living
Make A Better Place
For You And For Me

There Are People Dying
If You Care Enough
For The Living
Make A Better Place
For You And For Me

There Are People Dying
If You Care Enough
For The Living
Make A Better Place
For You And For Me

You And For Me
You And For Me
You And For Me
You And For Me
You And For Me
You And For Me
You And For Me
You And For Me
You And For Me
You And For Me
You And For Me

SHADOW SHOT SUNDAY

2009-06-21T12:47:00.000-07:00

Shadow Shot Sunday
Click the icon and visit Shadow shots from around the world.
Rae

SKY WATCH FRIDAY

2009-06-18T22:24:00.000-07:00

Lake Arrowhead Ca. San Bernardino Mts.
Visit Sky Watch Friday to discover Skies from all over the world.
http://skyley.blogspot.com/

AUTUMNS BLUE RIBBON

2009-06-16T18:13:00.000-07:00

SHADOW SHOT SUNDAY

2009-06-14T12:38:00.000-07:00

Blueridge Rd in Skyforest Ca

SKY WATCH FRIDAY

2009-06-10T00:11:00.000-07:00

View from Hiway 18, San Bernardino, Ca mountains

For beautiful pics from around the world go here: http://skyley.blogspot.com/

Thursday June 11, 2009

HARMONY

Last week, to celebrate spring, renewal, and my birthday, we purchased a juicer. The idea of having our own fresh juice appealed to us in this time of searching for ways to promote new healthy growth and harmony in our bodies. I keep my eyes and ears open to ways to optimize the remaining good health I have. And for ways to build on that health.
Other than some decrease in stamina and some shortness of breath that is more asthma than anything else, I have no obvious signs or symptoms of the battles being waged in the inside of me.

Fruit juice is heavenly tasting and I thoroughly enjoy a large glass of fresh juice, especially on a hot day. It really seems to quench my thirst better than anything else. But vegetable juice is another story. I have never liked it, having tried it many times in my life, always thinking, Its been a long time since the last foray into juice conciousness. Always, one small sip and I was done. Too, way too veggie dull broccoli tasting. And that was that.
So I plugged in my new juicer and did the oranges, apples, grapes, and a couple of small carrots as a bow to the veggies.

But I had promised my self I would do whatever it would take to improve my health. Because it was a promise to myself, I had to keep it.
I put a few handfulls of spinach leaves in the juicer, a large group of broccoli, some celery stalks, some carrots, and an apple for sweetness.The juice dripping out of the juicer spout was as green as green can be. I thought, oh yuck, why did I make that promise. Now I have to keep it. Darn!

The moment of reckoning had arrived. I dipped my spoon into the green liquid and thought about the wicked witches brews.Green dragons blood, with werewolf tears and bats eyes, and other creepy things floating around crossed my mind. I closed my eyes and took a sip. Hmmm.
I took another sip, and another and then dipped my cup into the bowl, and drank the green glop.
The creepy stuff was kinda good. Not as good as fruit juice, but OK.
What a pleasant surprise.The apple sweetened the juice so it was more palatable to my sugar jaded taste buds.
So I am geared up and healthy for my Reality Show date with the chemo brothers this week.
With Gods help, I will be the winner, the # 1 best contestant in the Reality show this week and every week.

Just call me 'Juicey.'

I am learning to accept Gods promise. He promises He will answer my prayers for a healed body

ONE PERSON

2009-04-11T13:43:00.000-07:00

One person can make a difference. Nowhere is that more evident than with the story of the American Cancer Society Relay For Life®, which began in Tacoma, Washington, as the City of Destiny Classic 24-Hour Run Against Cancer.
In the mid-1980s, Dr. Gordy Klatt, a Tacoma colorectal surgeon, wanted to enhance the income of his local American Cancer Society office. He decided to personally raise money for the fight by doing something he enjoyed—running marathons.

In May 1985, Dr. Klatt spent a grueling 24 hours circling the track at Baker Stadium at the University of Puget Sound in Tacoma for more than 83 miles. Throughout the night, friends paid $25 to run or walk 30 minutes with him. He raised $27,000 to fight cancer. That first year, nearly 300 of Dr. Klatt's friends, family, and patients watched as he ran and walked the course.
While he circled the track those 24 hours, he thought about how others could take part. He envisioned a 24-hour team relay event that could raise more money to fight cancer. Months later he pulled together a small committee to plan the first team relay event known as the City of Destiny Classic 24-Hour Run Against Cancer.
In 1986, 19 teams took part in the first team relay event on the track at the colorful, historical Stadium Bowl and raised $33,000. An indescribable spirit prevailed at the track and in the tents that dotted the infield.
Since that first Relay For Life® event, millions have joined the cause all over the world, making Relay the largest fundraising event in mankind’s history.
My children, ( Larry, Sherrie, and grandaughter Autumn ) have a Relay For Life team dedicated to me called Ray Of Light. That Relay race will be held in Chico, Ca. April 25-26 2009. Many other Chico teams will participate, also.
I had planned on joining them for the festivities next month, but I don't know if that will be possible this year. I am supposed to start chemotherapy at about that time in April. That is the most important activity for me right now.
So never think that because you are just one person, that your little contribution won't make a difference. Anything you can do to make the world a better place is important , from helping to clean up the oceans and beaches, to walking in Relay marathons to raise money for the American Cancer Society.
I'm sure there is a Relay For Life near you. Google it and find your town or city.

HOPE

2009-04-11T12:10:00.000-07:00

Hope is a belief in a positive outcome. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had, or events can turn out for the best. Hope can be passive such as a wish or a prayer. Or it can be active, as in a plan, sometimes against all popular belief, but with a persistent personal action to execute the plan. Consider a P.O.W. who never gives up hope for escape, and against all odds, plans and accomplishes his escape.
So we make our plans and say our prayers. And build our Hope.
We must, regardless of the obstacles life puts in our path, continue to bolster and encourage Hope. To make it of primary importance, and to keep Hope strong, and not let it diminish. We must make our plans for our escape from whatever demon has us by the throat, whether physical, mental, emotional or imagined.

So, day by day, say a prayer for the accomplishment of your plan for escape. Write it down on a piece of paper, and review and update it often. Have a clear plan of action, and stick to that plan of action.

Part of your plan could be to communicate more with people that are like-minded, that are uplifting and are positive thinking. People that can give you support, and caring. Friends that understand and Love you.
If your goal seems impossible, the more important it is to build on that Hope.And to build your network of caring friends.
Finding a group for survivors of your demons, is extremely beneficial, and can be a good learning experience.The support and verbal exchange is phenomenal, and would be well worth your effort.
The time you spend in prayer is of utmost importance, and the conversations with God will help save your life.

'With God all things are possible.' Matthew 19:26

ZEN-ZAGGING THROUGH LIFE

2009-03-20T14:45:00.000-07:00

My posting is a comment about Roz Savages latest blog entry. Her article titled, "The Ocean-Rowers 5 step Programme to Zen Acceptance" provoked my interest.

Here I quote Rozs' 5 steps:
1. Indignation that "it shouldn't be this way!"
2. Frustration and anger as fight against reality escalates
3. Crisis and catharsis (yell therapy is good for this - and in the middle of the ocean, nobody can hear you scream...)
4. Grudging acceptance
5. Recognition that there is something positive to be found in every situation, and that the greater the suffering, the greater the learning. To grow you have to get outside your comfort zone, and getting outside your comfort zone is (duh!) UNCOMFORTABLE!

And that invaluable sixth stage.... telling the story over a pint of beer afterwards - which we can call celebrating one's achievements, and saying, "Well, hey, haven't I come a long way."

Read her article first, then come back to this page for my comments.
http://rozsavage.blogspot.com/
The Ocean-Rowers 5 Step Programme to Zen Acceptance

My comments:

ZEN-ZAGGING THROUGH LIFE

Hi Roz, I just read your 5 steps to Zen acceptance, and was really struck by how those ideas fit into my life and learning right now. Thought provoking to say the least. I am a cancer survivor, although I recently discovered I have lung metastasis. So acceptance is a BIG part of life right now.
Lets see how the 5 steps fit in my life:

1.Indignation: it shouldn't be this way. I should NOT have cancer because I don't deserve it!

2.Frustration and anger as fight against reality escalates: I have not noticed a lot of anger. Doesn't mean its not there; I just haven't noticed it. Yet. But I have a great deal of frustration. Frustration with the medical system. Frustration with myself for being 'ill.' Frustration with cancer, frustration with the waiting game...etc.

3.Crisis and catharsis: I have had several 'meltdowns' and did some screaming and yelling. Some crying too. It seems to help at the time, but right around the corner, there is always a new level of crisis and a new challenge to work through.

4.Grudging acceptance: I love this phrase. It describes me and my attitude after a yelling/crying session. I feel it doesn't matter if its done grudgingly.' Acceptance is acceptance and will carry you safely through to the next crisis.The grudging part moderates some with time and becomes acceptance.This is where I can begin to look at the positives.

5.Recognition that there is something positive to be found in every situation, and that the greater the suffering, the greater the learning. To grow you have to get outside your comfort zone, and getting outside your comfort zone is (duh!) UNCOMFORTABLE: Is it ever, makes me antsy and squirrely and sometimes stubborn as a mule( I WILL do it MY way). I will, with Gods help, find a way to live and thrive and share my story.Looking forward to chemotherapy will start the whole process over again.

6.Celebration: YES!I've made it this far(14 months after diagnosis)so I will continue to 'make it.'

Thanks Roz, for these ideas. They are a concise view of the process we all go through at some time or other. If our most important thing in life is inner growth, then this road map will help us stay on the path.

Sunset in the San Bernardino mountains

2009-03-20T00:01:00.000-07:00

I am a sucker for a sunset picture.

HAPPINESS BARRIER #6: NAVEL-GAZING

2009-03-17T13:00:00.000-07:00

SOLUTION:CONNECT WITH OTHERS

From WEBMD.com

How important are social networks to your happiness? Perhaps even more important than you realized. A recent 20-year study of more than 4,000 people showed that happiness is influenced not just by your immediate friends and family. The happiness of a friend of a friend of a friend -- someone you’ve never even met -- can also influence your happiness. It turns out that happiness can spread through social networks, like a virus.

Unfortunately, many people spend so much time by themselves navel gazing, they don’t benefit from this positive “contagion.”
The more self-absorbed you are, the more your world closes in, and the less realistic you become, all of which produces a vicious circle. “You become oblivious to the needs of others, and the world shrinks still more, making you less able to see outside yourself.” If asked, ‘Why are your problems so special?” says Jinpa, you might respond, “Because they’re mine!”
“If you have such a huge ego, you’re setting yourself up as a huge target, which can easily get hit,” Jinpa says. But using a “wide-angle lens” instead helps you see connections you wouldn’t otherwise see, such as the universality of suffering. All it may take is having a loved one diagnosed with a serious disease to realize how many people are grappling with similar challenges. Feeling joined by others on this journey provides some comfort and happiness.
The straightest path to making connections like these? Compassion and caring for others.
Even primates seem to understand this, says Robert M. Sapolsky, PhD, author of Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers and research associate with the Institute of Primate Research at the National Museum of Kenya. Primates that groom each other after a stressful event experience a reduction in blood pressure. The clincher? Grooming others has a greater impact than getting groomed, says Sapolsky.
Compassion engages us with others, removes isolation, builds resilience, and leads to deep fulfillment, says Doty. “Without compassion, happiness is simply short-lived pleasure.”
Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama, may have said it best: “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion; if you want to be happy, practice compassion.”

HELLO GOD, I HAVE A PROBLEM........

2009-03-04T14:43:00.000-08:00

RECOVERY

I have a friend that gets down on himself and is easily thrown into the self-disgust attitude, because he is not doing recovery 'right.'

Recovery is only recovery, a part of life, and can be kept in perspective. Its not easy but it can be done. My recovery is up and down as with anything in life. Mostly its moderate, no terrific highs, but alternatively not much of the lows.

But what defeats me, what is my demon, my enemy, my disaster always, sooner or later, is my..........computer.
I got my first computer in 1995, and it has been a love/hate romance ever since. I really love this personal friend, helpmate,tedious task doer and efficiency expert.
But sometimes, sometimes I hate this machine, this devil, the scourge of my life, this destroyer of my inner peace, slaughtering my equilibrium and my happiness. Partly it is because the mechanics of learning and trying to keep up-to-date on all the computer gizmos and gadgets, shows me in stark detail how incompetent I feel when dealing with this wonderful product of miniturization.
My son, while trying to teach me the basics of computing, always said, 'The computer only does what you tell it to do,' but I guess I often tell it the wrong things to do, because thats exactly what it does. The wrong things. And I spend hours trying to figure it out. Simply because I am usually too stubborn to ask for help. Since tech support has gone mostly out the window, I have to rely on family and friends. What a quick way to ruin a nice, friendly relationship.
I was just trying to put some of my INTENTIONS on itunes, so anyone can access them. But NO!! I followed the directions, many times, over and over, but no change in the status. I kept getting a stupid error message.
And thats the way life is, I feel. A serious challenge rears its ugly head and we are stuck.We try and try, to do everything ourselves and not 'bother' anyone with our problems. Then finally we get to the bottom of 'our' barrel and begin calling friends, neighbors, family, until they are thinking about disowning us. They see our phone number on the caller ID and quickly walk away.
Times like this when we seem to be clueless, and are floundering, is the time to call tech support:
'Hello, God, sorry to bother you, but I have this problem.......
Works everytime.

THE PATH

2009-03-01T15:21:00.000-08:00

Feb 22, 09

With a really white wonderland visible on all sides, it became apparent as soon as we tried to walk to our car that an immediate fix was needed. We have 4-5 ft of snow in our yard and driveway and more than that on our decks. The snow that has fallen off the roof and onto the deck, has piled up so high we can only see snow and the tops of the trees when we look out our windows.

When we went to a doctors appt a few days ago, we had to walk on top of the snow, because our path was nowhere to be found. The snow was fresh and very soft and powdery, and we would sink almost to our hips with each step. Since our driveway is about 100 feet long and steep, the journey was not a walk in the park. Then when we got home we had to walk up the driveway to get in the house.

Yesterday David grabbed the shovel and said, I'm going to fix this problem. So with due diligence, he began shoveling snow. Snow was flying.
Today, he is again shoveling for all he is worth to clear a safe path to the car.He would call out to me periodically to check his path. He wanted to make sure he was still going in the right direction.
We all have our own path to travel in this life, whether it is a short path or a lifelong path. We all need to make sure we are still on the path and haven't wandered into the deep snow, where you may get stuck. Call out for direction. Call out to someone in charge, someone that knows more than you , someone that can see the whole picture.
Call out to God. He knows the whole story and has a direction for you.

'Never will I leave you.
Never will I forsake you.'
....Hebrews 13:5

Many Years ago, David played keyboards with The Ides Of March. Ides was Jim Peteriks band. Then Jim went on to later, start the band, Survivor. David wasn't with that band,
But he DID play some of the keyboards on Survivors 'Burning Heart'.

THE BUTTERFLIES SONG

2009-02-07T17:05:00.000-08:00

One of the most beautiful sights in the world is a butterfly, flitting from flower to bush and back to the flowers. Legend mixed with myth has made this little insect a powerful visual influence.

The sheer beauty of a whole flock of butterflies is prominent in the Butterfly Children Legend of the Papago Indian tribe of the Sonoran desert of Arizona and Mexico.According to this myth, the Creator felt sorry for the children of the tribe, when He realized that their destiny was to grow old, and become wrinkled, fat, blind, weak, sick.So He gathered beautiful colors from various sources – the sky, sunlight, leaves, and all the flowers of the world.He put these colors into a magical bag and gave the bag to the children of the tribe. When the children opened the bag, brilliantly multi-colored butterflies flew out and circled around the childrens heads, singing their lovely songs. The children were enchanted, as they had never seen anything so beautiful. The singing of the butterflies was lovely and that further delighted the children.
But the songbirds complained to the Creator because they were jealous. So the Creator withdrew the songs from the butterflies. Now they are beautiful but silent.

The butterfly with its different stages reminds me of my stages of growth – first the egg - knowing nothing, seeing nothing, then the caterpillar, spending its life eating everything in sight. Next, the chrysalis, just hangin out. Then when the time is right, metamorphosis into a spectacular being of brilliant colors and form. My metamorphosis at this time in my life, is into a colorful, healthy, Loving servant of God in human form.

You can focus on images of the butterflies in a meditation or quiet time, and imagine the brilliant colors are healing and calming to you. Picture the butterflies flying around your head and sending you colors of pure Love. Breath in this Love and send all the colors moving through your body from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. Then exhale this multi-colored Love, sending it around the world to heal and to relax and calm all of the distressed people in the world. They need your Love.
To learn more about our beautiful friends:

http://butterflywebsite.com/

FEELING ANXIOUS?

2009-02-05T11:11:00.000-08:00

I've noticed lately that I am more often anxious, short tempered, easily agitated, dejected and have trouble staying positive and upbeat. I am quick to put myself down, rag on my actions. I am not enough, or I am wrong or even, just plain stupid. Stupid is my favorite word for myself lately. Especially when I let myself get into this negative frame of mind.

I promised myself I would not let my thinking go down this path anymore. Putting myself down while recovering from cancer is not the best way to heal
So what do I do? How can I get back to my healing state of mind? I will share a few of my simple solutions with you. If you are having any of these symptoms, whether illness induced or just life induced, this exercise will help get you back to a gentler frame of mind.

First for a short while, go with it and look in all the dark, dusty corners of your mind for hidden secrets long buried, forgotten or denied. Where do these putdowns originate? Is it words your family or friends used to say to you? Or some trusted authority figure's conveyed judgements? Look deeply and search for negative agendas. Whatever you find take the time to decide if you want to keep that idea of who you are or trash it.

Second, focus on your breathing. We have a habit of taking short, shallow breathes. Oxygen is so important to cell health and mind clarity and overall optimism.

Breathe slowly and deeply. Watch your breathe go in and out. Feel your breath going into your lungs and then traveling all thru your body. Visualize colored breath or count the breaths. Anything to put your focus on breath for a minute or 2. Whatever you can do to refocus your mind to more positive thoughts.

This exercise helps me, and a few minutes spent this way will help you, too.

But I also have to remember that life WILL intrude on my ideas about how I should be during healing. I have to honor life and at the same time honor my body's health.

Sometimes it is very relaxing to listen to beautiful music.My favorite piece of music in the whole world, and always calms me, and takes me to another place, is Clair De Lune by Debussey.

I AM WHAT I AM By Roz Savage

2009-02-05T11:08:00.000-08:00

I AM WHAT I AM By Roz Savage
http://RozSavage.blogspot.com

As I was rowing across the Atlantic I had plenty of time to think about life, its purpose and meaning, and to figure out what could be learned from my ocean experience that would be useful to me in the future. I jotted down these insights in the back of my logbook. On my return home, the Sunday Times (the top-circulating Sunday broadsheet in the UK) asked me to produce a list of life-learned philosophies to share with their readers. The article appeared on 23 April 2006.

People cut out the article and put it on their refrigerator or in their wallet or on their pinboard. They told me how my words had helped them through tough times or gave them the courage to try something new. They wrote to tell me how I had inspired them. Here is what I wrote.

I Am What I Am
o Don't waste mental energy asking yourself if you CAN do something. Just do it. You'll surprise yourself. I did.

o Be clear about your objectives. Ignore others, stay true to yourself and measure success only against your own criteria. I was last to finish the race - big deal. I went out there to learn about myself, and I did.

o The only constant in life is change. So don't get depressed by the bad times, and don't get over-excited by good ones. Accept that things are exactly as they are, and even bad times have something to teach us.

o Life can be magical, but magic only gets you so far. Then you need discipline, determination and dedication to see it through.

o Hope can hurt. The danger is that you hope for too much and set yourself up for disappointment. Be optimistic but realistic. Nothing is ever as good or as bad as you expect it to be.

o Be mindful of the link between present action and desired future outcome. Ask yourself: if I repeat today's actions 365 times, will I be where I want to be in a year?

o Decision-making: act in faith, not fear, and don't worry about making a 'wrong' decision - the way you implement it is more important than the decision itself.

o Be your own best friend. The more you rely on other people, the less control you have over your destiny.

o Be proud of your own obituary: a few years ago I wrote two versions of my obituary, the one I wanted and the one I was heading for. They were very different. I realized I needed to make some big changes if I was going to look back and be proud of my life. I am making those changes, and now I have a life worth living.

MIRROR IMAGE

2009-02-05T10:52:00.000-08:00

At times through the years I have felt it was in my best interest to become more real with myself, and find out why I was so unhappy in life and love.Find out who I really was.And who I really wasn't. I just knew my life was really chaotic and miserable.
I read books, books, and more books. I attended classes in healthy minds. And wondered why nothing changed in my life.
Then someone said to me, “You have to live the changes, not just read about them.”
Live the changes. OK, but what did that mean?
So off I went to the thrapists couch.The therapist said, 'What do you want to work on?'
'Well, my unhappiness.”
'Where do you think that unhappiness comes from?”
'Well, I guess my mother didn't love me.”
“So we'll work on your feelings for and about your mother.
'Oh. Sure. OK.
But I didn't do any of the therapists suggestions.So I didn't begin to live the changes.
A few weeks later, the therapist said, “Now that you haven't done any of the Mother exercises I told you to do, we'll work on your feelings about yourself.”
Oh. OK. Sure.
She said to go home and look in the mirror, 'straight into your own eyes, and say, 'I love you, I love you Rae Burton. And repeat this 10 times.”
Oh. Sure Ok. Sure.
Hmmmm
I went home and looked in the mirror, and into my own eyes. And...........silence. And then I laughed. More like an embarrassed giggle.
I couldn't say to myself, 'I love you.'I couldn't even look in my own eyes in that mirror image for more than a quick instant.
Of course, I never went back to the therapist. And of course, I stayed unhappy and chaotic. And I read more books and went to more classes, and stayed the same.
Until I met David, and decided I had a good reason to begin the changes I needed to make. To begin to be happy and to be able to say, without looking away or laughing, to my mirror image and to myself, I love you. I love you Rae Burton.
Then I could say, with an open heart, I love you, David Arellano.

And I love you Ollie Rae Burton

NAMES

2009-02-03T13:59:00.000-08:00

Did you ever think about what happens when you change your name?
Nothing, you say, except for the DMV and credit card name & address changes. Just a bunch of paper work. It happens to almost every woman, at some time or other. Getting married, or divorced. Or just deciding to change your name. Sounds simple... huhnn. It is simple to do, but repercussions may result.
The first time I changed my name I was too young to notice anything.My mother had remarried and so I began to use my stepfathers name, but at the same time I dropped my hated first name and from then on used my middle name. Legally I was still my birth name. Thru my marriage and divorce and those psych changes....... About 10 years after my divorce, I legally changed back to my birth name. But still used my middle name for everyday use. I noticed changes after this name change, but nothing to talk about. It seemed to be a very comforting change for me, and made me wonder about the psych health of making a woman change her birth name to her husbands name. What hidden repercussions accompany this change?
The most recent change was this past jan when I was admitted to the hosp directly from the drs office.
I ended up being admitted with my birth name. Nurses commented on my name.Everyone had something to say about it.
I got to thinking about it. I believe that my birth name is me. Its who I am and who I have been all my life. An accumulation of all those years and all those happenings. It suddenly dawned on me... wow, I have denied a part of me, and hated that part of me all these years. Quite an eye opener, and something to think about.
I was at a life changing crossroad in my life , so I thot, well, why not? Everything else is changing in my life.
I'll just go with it, and see what happens. So I am drawing all the disparate parts of me in together. And we are all learning how to live together, in love, consideration, and respect for each other. Altho I will say, this new-old part of me is a little mouthy at times. (But I love her anyway)
Oh yes, and my full birth name is...........

This is Ollie Rae Burton saying check out your 'real' name.

MEMORIES

2009-02-03T11:58:00.000-08:00

In the beginning there was only cancer. Then I started to survive. For 2 months, I wrapped myself, body and soul, in a cocoon of warmth, love, caring, from friends, family, and God.And a whole life of memories.This cocoon was my safe place, where all the world of doctors, nurses, the hospital, and surgeries and subsequent recovery, were not invited. This safe place, this cocoon, was filled full of memories. Memories of good times when my kids were young. Trips to the beach many times during the summer months. I'd pile my kids in the car, and take off for the beach. Sometimes we would stop and pick up the cousins and go to the lagoon, and swim and play on the whale the whole day. I always made enough sandwiches and drinks for the ride home, singing and arguing and then everyone, except the driver, falling asleep.
Memories of evenings in the park after a day of all of us swimming in the park pool. Cooking burgers and dogs on the park BBQ pits. Nothing ever tasted so good again.Memories of sitting in our back yard, on the grass, watching for falling stars.”Oh, look, theres a shooting star, look, there it falls.”

More recent good memories of life with David, moving to the mountains,and times filled with love, contentment and challenges. Living, and loving, with our 12 cats to keep us busy. And then saying good bye to each of them thru the years.
Some memories are not happy, or good.
Some memories are poignant. But I looked at them all, and decided which memories, like old photographs, or old clothes, to keep or which to discard. I threw the uneeded ones in the trash and I let them go.The painful, hurtful memories do not serve me well. I do not need them any more.

My cocoon of quiet time was good and healing for me, and then I was ready to go ahead with traditional cancer treatment. It was a quiet time with just me and God, God, to hold my hand and guide me thru the forest of memories, where nothing could harm me.And when God and I came out on the other side of the forest, I was forever changed.

You need a safe place in your mind, that you can retreat to in times of stress and tribulation.Find a quiet place, go into the bathroom and lock the door. Sit on the closed toilet lid and close your eyes, take a deep breath, and exhale slowly to the count of ten. Do this several times, and then picture a perfect scene in your mind, a place you have been, or a place you want to be. Be there. Sitting on the sand or fishing in a quiet lake,or looking out over a vast beautiful horizen. Alone. You are alone. And quiet. And .....safe. Safe and healthy and perfect. God is there but he is quiet . And waiting. And Loving.

We need this escape, this cocoon, this safe place.This is a place of rejuvenation and healing.You can go there anytime. Take a few minutes, to re-group and rejoice.
And live again.

DIRECTIONS

2009-02-03T11:56:00.001-08:00

Have you ever gone down the wrong street or in the wrong direction, and didn't realize it at first. You just kept driving along, thinking of nothing.Dreamin' along. In the Los Angeles teeming, stretched out, unfamiliar freeway driving, it is easy to get turned around. Not so much ....lost, as just maybe going in the wrong direction.

Then something in your subconcious says, “Pay attention. Somethings wrong, something doesnt feel right. You begin to look around, looking for familiar landmarks, familiar territory. Something that will give you a hint that you know where you are, that you are on the right track, the right freeway.
Because on a freeway, you can't suddenly make a U turn, or go around the block and head in the opposite direction. You may be stuck.

You take a deep breath, look for familiar freeway signs, anything. Anything that will tell you where you are and where to go next. Nothing. How did this happen, how did I get so lost, and what do I do now.What do I DO?

In Los Angeles as in almost any large, unfamiliar city, you don't want to get off the freeway, even for a block to get the next on ramp going in the opposite direction, if you don't know exactly where you are. That decision could be deadly.

This is what I faced when I decided I was too sick to continue down the road I was on. Somewhere I had made the wrong decision, the misdirected turn.I felt I had been doing what was best for everyone concerned, and had been doing what God wanted me to do.So why the quandry? If God was calling me home, well OK, so be it. But I really didn't feel that was it, that that was the answer.What do I do, God, where do I go? I kept hearing, “Trust Me.” OK, God, its out of my hands. I am in your hands now. I turned it over and I let it go.
And ended up almost immediately in the hospital, in the capable hands of doctors and nurses, saving my life.I felt I was exactly where I needed to be at that time in my life. Why, I really didn't know at the time.Why wasn't important. But I knew I was safe in Gods Loving embrace. I knew I was healing.And I knew I would live. I would live another day, another month, another year, another lifetime.
I have a new direction and goals now.
So with God as my navigator directing my path, I continue to heal and grow in His Love.
Be aware of your direction, and think about your goals.

Be Good Stewards

2009-01-24T12:34:00.000-08:00

Learn to appreciate and really care for all that is given to you. Learn to be good stewards of all Gods good and perfect gifts. When living in community this is a vitally important lesson to learn and yet a very difficult one, especially when you fail to shoulder your responsibilities as they should be shouldered. Realise that until those important lessons of caring for and looking after all God has given you have been learnt, no more will be given. When something needs mending or maintenance, you personally see that it is done and do not just leave it for someone else to do and shelve your responsibilities. If you cannot do it yourselves, find the right person to do it and ask for their help.
Love is the key to all of this: Love for God; love for the whole, love for each other, love for everything.

TIME

2009-01-24T12:32:00.000-08:00

Remember when you were a kid and it seemed time went by so slowly. Especially when, with your parents, you were visiting great aunt Hilda. She had no children, so had no childrens toys or books or magazines or a swing in the back yard. NOTHING. The time stretched to forever, day after day, altho it was only an hour or 2. Boredom was a time lengthener, and made hours turn into days.
But, on the other hand, anticipation could make time go very slowly. Waiting for Christmas took months and months. And a special holiday or your bithday party, also made time pass excruciatingly slow. Then that special day there and was gone in the blink of an eye. Done. Over with till next year. Next year - that was like forever.
But the beginning of schooll approached like a freight train, faster than a speeding bullet, and summer was over. Done. And you were bored for years till christmas time.
I have noticed that as I got older time changed, or seemed to go by faster. Whether an illusion or real, I never seem to have enough time for everything I want to do on a given day. The day is gone, I know not where, and I am falling asleep at the computer.
How will I get everything done I want to do, or even need to do, before I get too old to do – well, to do anything.I don't know how I will get all those things done as my list is long.
So my advice to myself and to you dear friends, is to prioritize. Make a list of all you want to accomplish. Write everything down. Then shuffle them and put them in order of importance. First things first.
Spend several days or even weeks on this list – you want to get it right. When you are done with the list, read it over and cross out the tasks that have the least importance to you and to your life. Narrow it down to the top 10. Read ove r the top ten tasks you want to accomplish in your remaining lifetime.Think about ways you can attain this goal. Make a few notes.. Read it over again. Then carefully tear it into a million pieces, and throw them into the trash, take out the trash and pore it into the big plastic bin. Brush your hands together, and mutter to yourself, 'Accomplished.'Then totally forget the list. And go on with your life.
Remember John Lennon said, 'Life is what happens to you when you are making other plans.'

THE PUZZLE

2008-11-11T13:09:00.000-08:00

Cancer-phobe. A noun, meaning an excessive fear of contacting a malignancy.
My cancer phobia was not a fear for my health, but rather a fear of talking to a person with cancer. Not an irrational fear that I would get their cancer, but a very real fear of saying the wrong thing, or saying the right thing badly, and inflicting uneeded emotional pain. So I said and did nothing.
Many years ago, one of my best friends developed cancer and I said and did nothing.She recovered beautifully and is still cancer free.
But my feelings of overwhelming guilt for my sins of omission remain. My friend has been very supportive and always seems to know the right things to say to me.

After I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and after the first few months of adjusting to this new life, I started noticing peoples reaction –to me. And I noticed averted glances, or a big smile thrown my way, and then a scurrying off to take care of some forgotten chore. Just as I used to do.

But I have changed and my life, my reactions have changed. I have undergone an epiphany of sorts. I feel as tho, besides removing my breast, my doctors removed 'me.'
They cut 'me' up into little pieces and like a jigsaw puzzle, they put 'me' back together differently. But they had to, for the pieces wouldn't fit together in the old way. The Drs. had to help me find the new 'me.' So the drs and nurses began to reassemble the puzzle that was'me.' And my family and friends had to help me find and define the new 'me.'
We are all still working on the 'me' puzzle, but I am getting closer to being 'finished' and 'put together' right. Now I search out cancer survivors, In stores, on survivor forums, anyplace, anywhere, and approach them with love and welcoming to the sisterhood.

So my recommendation to everyone is this: If you see anyone, anywhere that is 'different' than you, different in ANY way, and you really want to turn the other way, DONT!!
Don't turn and try and forget them. Don't run away. Go to them with love and acceptance and more love. Because love fills in all the gaps and nooks and crannies of missed places and the missing pieces in all of us.

Thank you to my friends and family.
And Thank you David

HAPPINESS

2008-11-07T13:11:00.000-08:00

I never knew my family.
Perhaps I should explain. I knew my family, I lived with them, and I loved them. But I never understood them.I never felt close or comfortable with them. Always on my best behavior, always trying to do what was 'right' Always changing and 'trying to fit in,' being what I thought they wanted me to be. Anything to get them to love me. Accept me. And I soon lost sight of who I really was and became a chameleon, changing with the tides of my childish perception.

My gramma loved me and let me know it. Let me know I was fine just the way I was, whatever that was. I don't remember her ever critizing me. She just loved me. My mom said Gramma spoiled me rotten.

My mother was beautiful, distant, unavailable emotionally, and the most unknown of all. My mom and dad were married secretly, and when my dad was killed racing cars professionally, she tried to kill herself. My dads family didn't believe her when she told them she and their dead son had been married secretly. Then she found out she was pregnant, a pregnancy she did not want, a baby she did not want.
I grew up very confused about who I was, where I fit into these 2 familys. I tried so hard to fit in someplace, anyplace, to feel comfortable and loved and less scared.
It has taken 20 yrs of diving deep into the dark spaces inside me, and begin to feel comfortable in my own skin.

As I am writing this note I am overwhelmed by sadness. The sadness, and terrible fear of this lonely, little girl still living inside me, unseen and unloved for so long.Unaccepted for what she was/is.

I talk to this lonely little girl, and tell her over and over how much I love her, and I will always keep her safe, and protected.And I accept her just the way she is.

I hear a small breatheless sigh (of relief?), and begin to calm down and feel .... ...what? Comfortable, safe, and loved and.... .... happy?

Have you talked to your little child lately?

FEELING ANXIOUS

2008-11-05T19:27:00.000-08:00

Love & Kindness

2008-11-05T19:18:00.000-08:00

Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They Bless the one who receives them, and they Bless you, the giver.
....Barbara De Angelis.

THE PIANO

2008-10-30T20:09:00.000-07:00

THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE

2008-10-30T19:49:00.000-07:00

Be willing and open to change and then expand, knowing that every change will be for the best. Always see the bright side of life: expect only the very best to come about and see it do so. Never blame anyone else for the negative state you are in. You are your own master, it is up to you to reverse a picture and see what is on the other side. Learn to lift a person or a situation and never allow yourselves to be dragged down into the depths of despair by anyone else's attitude. You are here to create peace, harmony, beauty and perfection - in fact all the very best in life, so get on and do something about it.
Let Gods peace and love infill and enfold each one of you. Lift up your hearts in deep love, praise and gratitude for all God is revealing to you.

MELTDOWN

2008-10-30T18:55:00.000-07:00

I had a meltdown last nite.
David and I were trying to fix an audio tape, and I was having trouble concentrating on the task at hand. I felt the familiar buildup of tension inside me, inside my mind. Since the cancer surgeries I have very little emotional stamina and I easily get out of control emotionally.. Other times, I am fine and can roll with whatever is going on. But add a little bit of pressure and I have a short fuse. Very short. This time I quickly 'lost it', and had to leave the room. I started crying and couldn't stop. I felt overwhelmed by my emotions, and I cried and cried for a long time. I kept hearing in my mind, “I have cancer, I have cancer, I will always have cancer. Even if I never have a reoccurance, I will still always have cancer,” my mind screamed. I will always, for the rest of my life, have cancer. And I will have to worry and always check my body and mind to see what is going on. Always on hyper alert to little changes, real or imagined.And I was overwhelmed by that knowledge.
I had noticed since we began attending survivors group every week, and hearing other women talk about their anger at the cancer diagnosis, that I had no obvious anger. I would search my mind and dust out the darkened corners to try and find secrets there. But I never found anything. I knew sooner or later the anger would pop up and become known.
But this episode did not feel like anger, altho I'm sure anger was there. It was a total, overwhelming depression and it took me over and made me its own. And I am going with it, but only for a short while, a day or so. I know it would be easy for me to get lost in those feelings of poor me, of victim, etc. Many years of free floating depression have alerted me to the subtleties and nuances of this condition, and it can be very seductive.I will not give in to it. It is only temporary, a learning experience, and with Davids support and Gods help and sustenance, I will return to my optimistic, even tempered self.

This is a video of Survivor(Burning Heart) that David played some keyboard on the recording. He's not in the video.
It is good music, upbeat and good energy. And I am a Survivor.

BEATING CANCER WITH NUTRITION By Patrick Quillen

2008-09-13T16:25:00.000-07:00

DAY 1

HOPE, OPTIMISM AND A FIGHTING SPIRIT

By Patrick Quillen

Focus on the parts of your body that are working properly, not on the disease. Since you are alive enough to read this, then something and maybe quite a bit of somethings are working in your body. Give thanks for everything you can think of. Thanksgiving is a healing balm on the body and soul.

What are your priorities in life? Have they changed since finding out about your diagnosis? Have they changed for the better? Is it possible the diagnosis has become a life threatening, yet valuable wakeup call for you?

We are all going to die. The question is not if, but rather, 'when.' For cancer patients, sometimes this when becomes a more immediate issue. But our finite lives should be an issue for all of us, all of the time. Life is precious. Not to be wasted. Many of us cram our days with minutia, trivial details. We spend too much time worrying about insignificant events and lose sight of the real issues in life.
Such as:
be here now
value your mission
cherish your friends
savor sunsets and sunrises
soak up the beauty and music and laughter and play that is all around you, but drowned out by the cacophony of crass commercialism
Be at peace with your Creator, however you concieve that Higher Power. People beat cancer all the time. But fear of death is not a reason to live.

What do you want them to say at your funeral? “ Look I think she's moving!!”.
Not going to happen. Begin today with a renewed sense of purpose proper perspective for the truly memorable things in life. Build a fighting can-do spirit that will serve you well for the coming journey of treatment. Find a co-patient, a loved one, or family member who is so supportive that they will keep you motivated when you have run out of steam.

Be enthusiastic. The word “enthusiasm” comes from the Greek word meaning “God within.” With joy, enthusiasm,appreciation,and altruism, we literally become a conduit for God's Life itself.

Special Gifts

2008-09-13T11:49:00.000-07:00

As you each contribute your specific gifts and talents to the whole, so is each piece of the jigsaw puzzle of life put together forming the perfect whole. What are your specific gifts or talents? Why not share them and cease hiding them away, for they are all needed. It does mean that you have to keep your feelers out and see where they fit and what the needs are. Some of you may have many gifts and others of you may feel you have little or nothing to give. This is not so; you all have your unique something to give which no one else can give, and that something is needed. It is up to you to find out what it is and give it.

'The Power Of Losing Control'

2008-09-06T10:27:00.000-07:00

The following are excerpts from the popular book, 'The Power Of Losing Control,' By Joe Caruso

Nearly all of us have something thats preventing us from being as successful, happy, and fulfilled as we might be.The possibilities of what that might be are as endless as the differences that make each of us unique.But, in my experience, the ones listed here are those that are the most common and most debilitating, and letting go of them offers us the greatest opportunity for growth.

#1 REGRET

He who regrets loses twice. We can't change what is and we can't change what was, and if we spend our time losing sleep over what we can't change, we'll be too tired to change what we can. Regret, therefore, as always self defeating. If you missed an opportunity-- whether it was to accept an invitation to dinner, to study harder for a test, to get to know someone better, or to sail around the world on a yacht-- the opportunity of that moment went with that moment and no amount of regret is going to get it back. By living with regret, you are reliving the same loss, which makes it an even greater loss than it was in the first place.But if you can take a step back and figure out what it was that kept you from seizing that opportunity when it was presented-- in other words, define what you were afraid of-- you'll be able to let go of that fear so it won't be holding you back the next time an opportunity arises.

Exercise 1

MAKE YOUR OWN TIMELINE

Take a piece of paper and draw a line across it from left to right.To the left of the line write birth. To the right put the word death. Now pick a point anywhere along that line. Make an x above that line and write -you are here.

We are creatures of the moment, and regret causes us to try to live in the past.When we try to live in the future, we'll experience anxiety. Trying to live in either the past or the future puts stress on the psyche because it means we're attempting to live in 2 or more places at once.And that stress manifests itself as either regret or anxiety. So to let go of regret, practice being in the moment. Teach yourself the powerful lesson that to bring all that you are to all that you do, is all you'll ever need.

#2 ANGER

Anger is always based on fear. If we're angry at someone or about something, its because we fear that person or that circumstance is likely to harm us, or has harmed us in some way. What we really fear is that we're losing control. We're casting ourselves in the role as victim, but thats a self-definition, and since we've created it, we also have the power to change it.We can't control other people's actions or attitudes, and we can't control external circumstances or events, but we can control the way we respond to those things. We don't have to be angry, because we do have other choices. The way we respond is always a choice-- in fact it's the only thing thats always a choice. So why would we choose to respond with a self defeating attitude instead of one that would serve us better?

EXERCISE 2

FIND THE FEAR

When you feel angry, try to find out what it is you're afraid of. In the heat of the moment, its always easier to deal with fear than it is to manage anger. The more you think about being angry, the more you'll validate your 'rightness,' and and in doing so you'll try to manage you're anger and thus become 'righteous.' And you'll only become angrier later. I call this banking your anger, which means saving it up to use later in an even bigger way. Sooner or later you'll begin looking forward to making a big righteous withdrawal from the bank, and eventually you'll blow up. It won't be pretty and it won't serve you or anyone else.

Looking for the fear allows you to:

1.take the psychic energy off your anger

2.arrive at a higher level of understanding

3.get to the real source of the problem

4.find your power in it

5.refocus your psychic energy to respond in a way that serves you you rather than with an automatic “fight or flight” surge of involuntary adrenaline.

Consider your fear, consider what you want, consider what what you can do about it, and do it. We can only act beyond our fears,not worry ourselves past them.

#3 BLAME

Blaming others for our situation or our unhappiness is a sure sign that we're feeling out of control, which means we're feeling afraid. If someone is treating us badly- well they get to do that. We can't control the behavior of others. (Heck, there are times we don't even control our own behavior as well as we should) It's rational to blame someone or something in our past or even our present, but more often than not, it's irrational to blame someone for our future. And what has happened to us is always less important than what we can do for ourselves. Blame keeps us from focusing our psychic energy on what we can do for ourselves and thus perpetuates our pain.

EXERCISE 3

IT'S ALL IN HOW YOU KEEP SCORE

Fact: Other people can and will do things that negatively affect us.

Fact: Other people can and will do things that positively affect us.

Fact: People will sometimes do things on purpose that negatively affect us.

Fact: People will sometimes do things on purpose that positively affect us.

Fact: They get to do that

We live in an interactive world, and all living things affect all other living things. They always have and they always will. To accept that fact is, acting naturally.

But if we pay attention, we'll begin to notice that, contrary to what we believe, more often than not we're the victims of unintended Blessings. Start to look for unintended Blessings you receive. That's learning to keep score differently.

Look for ways other people's actions have created opportunities for you. Notice that far more people have done things that have had a positive effect on you than have hurt you or negatively affected you in some way. Consciously spend more of your energy being grateful to those who have helped you and less of it blaming those who have in some way done you harm. It's important to remember that your energy is a blessing. It is the very stuff of life. Why would you want to give it to someone you don't even like?

We don't get to control other people's behavior, but their behavior can't control us either---unless we allow it to do so. And so, in the end, we have no one to blame but ourselves. Which leads to the next thing we need to let go of.....

THE JUMPING OFF PLACE

2008-08-31T13:19:00.000-07:00

There's a place here in our mountains called the Red Rock Wall. This wall is bordering a rest stop area, and is also on a hairpin curve, where numerous vehicles and their drivers have mispercieved the curve and broken thru the Red Rock wall and fallen 600 ft straight down.

We lost another beautiful, young life again, a few weeks ago. She went over the side at the 'jumping off place,' sometime during the night and for 2 days no one realized we had lost another life. I noticed the break in the wall with new barriers in place as David and I rode by on our way down the hill. Again I noticed the broken spot on the way home later that night. But we hadn't heard anything about someone going over the edge. No one realized we had lost another life at the Red Rock Wall, again.

It happens about every 5 years or so, throwing the Angels' family and friends into the never never land of grief and mourning over a senseless loss.

This 'jumping off place' has been my waking nightmare most of my adult life. A terrible fear of losing control and going over the edge, flying over the edge of the cliff into eternity. So I am always extra careful driving on these mountain curves.

The 'jumping off place' for me in reality was in January of 2008, when I hit the brick wall of cancer, and was admitted to the hospital with severe anemia and breast cancer. But Love yanked me back from the edge of the 'jumping off place' of this life to the next. Love from family and friends. Love showered on me by David. And Love from God sent with the message, 'not now, my child.'

So with the support of my family and friends from around the world, I left the 'jumping off place,' to return to my everyday life,with love, to the work still to be done. And to be of service wherever and whenever I can.

THE MIRROR

2008-08-31T13:14:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I read a story about a lady, more than a few years out of cancer diagnosis and mastectomy. She had decided not to have reconstuctive surgery to rebuild her breast line, So she has very visible suture lines and, of course the missing breast. She thought it would be less hassle than any of the reconstuctive procedures available.But she still gets upset when she looks in the mirror and often cries. She feels ugly, and thinks,”Why did this happen to me?”

The lady in the story was barely in her 40's, and tho I am much older, I related, and really understood her pain and dismay.

The story was on my mind a lot in the next several days, as I thought about cancer and survivors.I turned it over and over in my mind, thinking about the burden society puts on us regarding body image.Any body less than 'perfect' is not OK.

But a cancer survivor has ......well, survived. We've been to the mountain top and have looked over the whole world and decided, “Yeah, I'll stay here.I'll do what I hafta do to stay alive.”

So I looked in my mirror and thought about all I had survived, and how cancer had changed my life.How I HAD changed my life, changed my attitude, my perspective, my focus.Something clicked in my mind-- I changed my life. I am alive. And such overwhelming joy invaded me, my body, and my soul. With tears in my eyes, I was brought to my knees in thankfulness. In Joy, I am alive and I want to stay alive.

Now when I look in my mirror, I am reminded of these changes I made in my life.And I feel joy. Joy reminding me to stay on the track to life.I need to keep changing in a forward direction, and not look back.

Just look in my mirror.

LIVE YOUR LIFE

2008-08-31T13:12:00.000-07:00

"Live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about his religion. Respect others in their views and demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and of service to your people. Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.

Always give a word or sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, or even a stranger, if in a lonely place. Show respect to all people, but grovel to none. When you rise in the morning, give thanks for the light, for your life, for your strength. Give thanks for your food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason to give thanks, the fault lies in yourself.

Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools and robs the spirit of its vision. When your time comes to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home." by: Tecumseh -(1768-1813) Shawnee Chief

A HUMAN BEING

2008-08-31T13:06:00.000-07:00

"A human being is a part of the whole, called by us, "Universe," a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest -- a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. Nobody is able to achieve this completely, but the striving for such achievement is in itself a part of the liberation and a foundation for inner security." : Albert Einstein - (1879-1955) Physicist and Professor, Nobel Prize 1921

LOVE AND PRAYERS

2008-08-06T15:38:00.000-07:00

As I sit comfortably at my computer and write this note to you, I am struck by the changes that have occurred in my life in the last six months. The last time I recorded these short love notes to you,my friends, was in January, and I was very ill. So ill, in fact, that I didn't realize how sick I was. I am amazed at the person I was then. Amazed at the strength, determination and love of family and love of God, that woman exhibited. It was this love that kept me going day after day, trying to keep my secret, my facade of wellness and competency. I have apologized to my loved ones for my misdirected love, and caring protection for them.

I can't change what was done, and the facts of what is today. I can only go on from here, from this new place of love, caring and trust for my loved ones.Time will tell the lessons I have learned, and am still learning, as I gain strenght and wellness, in the loving circle of my family and friends. Their prayers and love have sustained and healed me, and I am forever greatful to them for my new lease on life.Thru 3 hospitalizations, 2 surgeries, 6 weeks of radiation treatments, and many, many visits to the doctors, always the loving acceptance and prayers of family and friends, have given me life and courage, and I owe them all a debt of gratitude forever.

I dedicate my new healthy life to continuous learning and healing.

Join me in love and healing

Ollie Rae